Mis☆SoЯrow

Not gonna lie.

2012-02-12T23:47:00.003-06:00

Today was a damn tough day. I'm almost done believing.

-Rei

Odd.

2012-02-09T23:26:00.000-06:00

Honestly, I'm one odd, odd child. As I get older I guess I write more mature-ly? Maybe? But then again I wonder what goes through my head. Nothing I ever write is healthy. LOL. It's just not in my nature to write the typical happy story. Oh. Unless I'm writing my idea of the IDEAL Korean drama plot. Everything else I write though is too much makjang. Birth secrets and terminal illness and random deaths galore. I think I just enjoy writing about fucked up people sometimes. Honestly the things I think of are really odd... xD. I give up on being normal.

Finally getting to the plot of my recent short though. I'll finally shamelessly advertise my new shorts/writing blog when I finish and actually get a post up. It'll be a while still... xD I don't know what the freak I'm writing right now. Thank God for wikipedia.

-Rei

PS: Opting for a new simpler "signature"... The other one got annoying. Having to switch to the Chinese typing option... switch back... etc. Too much work. /lazytothemax.

I can't do it.

2012-02-08T20:10:00.000-06:00

- Rei

Thankful.

2012-02-05T23:02:00.000-06:00

I honestly am sitting here right now. And I feel so thankful. I feel so thankful because I have friends that will stand up for each other no matter what. I found something very unlikely today. One of my friends, who I didn't think would go out of her way to stand up for my other friend and would go on pretending to approve of that bitch's actions finally blew up and ranted. I'm not happy that she has to rant, because I think she deserves a good guy who will reciprocate her love for them. Even though sometimes it feels like when she's dating it feels like she's in another world, but it's because she genuinely gives her all for her partner. And it's unfair to her that there's so many bad guys out there that don't treat her right.

I feel like I'm starting to see the good sides of people. People who are "annoying" aren't annoying, they're just caring. People who are "tough" aren't mean, they just protect those they love. People who are "closed" aren't uninterested, they're just good listeners.

I've been spending my time missing people and wishing I had what I had, and wishing I could have what I don't. I need to spend more time being thankful for those I do have. I'm glad to have you guys. :)

麗 ☆

Shiku Usachi.

2012-02-04T23:16:00.001-06:00

If there's one thing I'm really good at it would be pretending to be someone I'm not.

At one point I started receiving mails under this name... And then that was a problem cause then my escapades over the interwebs was endangered. ):> Essentially, I created a name for myself under this name. I think the main thing that attracted being that person to me was being loved. The feeling of being loved is definitely irreplaceable in us humans. That's why I find it so despicable when people I care about have their love trampled over.

Looking at some old memories and recollections, somehow I started tearing up a lot. There's a lot of things I really miss. There's a lot of people I really miss. There's a lot of people I don't talk to anymore. There's a lot of people sometimes I forget to mention. But I miss them a lot too. Among these are Aki/Shiro. Haha. Memories of my mmm... Hahaha. I guess "girlfriend" is the correct term. But definitely one of my best friends back in the day. We always played together. And I guess if I were as intuitive back then as I am now... I would've known we fell in love with the same guy a lot earlier. Haha. It's just all the memories all coming back.

Ughhh. I miss everything. I miss when I didn't think people were a bother. I really miss all the people that left. It's really nostalgic thinking about them. Every person fit in so well, (with the exception of a few... creepers... and even they found their rightful places) it was like family. Legit. Legit like family.

So what happens when family breaks up?

I don't know. I just know I miss them like fucking crazy.

麗 ★

Fate.

2012-02-02T22:41:00.000-06:00

I'll be honest. I believe a little bit in what Ga Eul tells me are "soulmates" the one that's out there for you. And sometimes I still feel like you're the one. Then I realize it's just nostalgia speaking.

My horoscope this past month has been all "You'll be stuck in a nostalgic rut" and it's pretty damn true. I remember everything... all the time.

Anyhow. Done with that. Leaving y'all with a small excerpt of what I wrote when I was littler that I dug up recently. BAHAHAHA. Everything I wrote then is funny to read now. It's embarrassing.

Names are gonna be changed for unknown purposes. LOL.

Minah sat on the small island her feet splashing the water under her; the boy was in the sky floating with his wings out. She glanced out at the water seeing something that shimmered. Curious, she leaned forward hoping to catch a clearer glance of whatever it was. She felt herself fall into the water, there was a loud splashing sound, and then everything went dark.

------

She coughed her vision still blurry from all the water gathered around her eyes, most of it lake water some tears because she felt like she was suffocating, " Ji...yong?" his hair was wet and shimmering the beautiful silver color and his clothes were soaked too. Had he gone in after her? She smiled, she was thankful. This was the first time in a long time she had been thankful.

" You're such a bother..." Jiyong rolled his eyes, though a small smile crossed his face slightly.

Minah grinned leaning over to hug Jiyong, against her hair her cheek brushed against his and she felt the hotness on his cheeks. She kissed his cheek, " Thanks..." she smiled. " Promise... That you'll be with me forever..."

BAHAHAHA. My 4th grade self had pointless fantasies as well. Anyway. Cheers to you all.

麗 ★

PS: I'm nearing my 400th post.... Hmm... what should I do.

Flashback.

2012-01-26T21:26:00.000-06:00

- 麗 ★

Scorpio.

2012-01-22T13:01:00.000-06:00

I really hate all Scorpios cause I fucking hate you so much. It's no wonder that Scorpios are rated #1 for giving people the most stress. Everything you say is so fucking self-righteous all the time. No one else can have their own thoughts. No one else can have any sort of feelings. No one else can be human. Everyone else is just a doll with the purpose of listening to your rants about what you think the correct way to live life is. Everyone else just has to move in whichever direction you will. It's like we're all puppets dancing to whichever song you dictate.

I'm tired of having you on my ass all the time for things that don't concern you. I'm tired of having all the things I hope for with a good heart turn into something ugly and dirty. I'm tired of you taking my good will and telling me that other people don't deserve it. I'm tired of you trying to turn me into the hateful person you are. I'm tired of you never treating me like a fucking human, much less your daughter. Isn't family supposed to be people in your life that can take some of the burden off of your shoulders? Why is it that it's always you the one giving me more stress, more weight, more burdens?

Why can't you begin to understand me at all? Why can't I even talk to you, I can't fucking communicate with you cause every single time we talk, you just yell at me. You don't talk to me. You don't fucking see me as human. I don't want to live the way you dictate. I don't want to be the person you want me to be. I want to be me. I want to live my own life. I want to be free.

麗 ★

Astrology.

2012-01-21T17:58:00.000-06:00

Although I'm not very superstitious, or really believe in astrologies that much. Everything I've been reading thus far is VERY accurate. It's magical. xD Jesse老師 is sooooo accurate. So far some things about me that have been SUPER accurate.

I'm rated number 4 for least likely to get pursued by dudes. The reason being? We're really good at punishing other people. LOL. We like to give back everything in 2380283020328098203x times what we received. So when dudes see this they're like... "Oh shnap" and run away. LOL. We're also number 2 in giving people too much stress. (My mom's number 1. Figures.) Cause we don't like paying lip service and we're just like. Ok. Cool. And say what we feel. Also, we follow up on our grudges well. We remember everything, and if you say something that bothers us we'll confront you. But we're also number 4 at being the best friend. Although we don't have many, we're like friends for life. We like always just keep giving. And we'll do anything to help. Like all the time.

Also. We fall for guys the 2nd fastest. As soon as a dude is really nice to us. We're like... gone. And we don't really like super manly guys I guess. LOL. IS THIS WHY...

Anyway. Cheers. I'll probably be posting more stuff about astrologies on here later. As I keep reading... xD Cause I need to stop spamming Kelly's wall. LOL.

Oh. Almost forgot. The astrology stuff I've been reading is here. But... It's all in Traditional Chinese... SO GOOD LUCKS.

麗 ☆

PS: REALLY A WHOLE TON OF RAGE AT GEMINIS BEING THE MOST 風流鬼s. GRR. Every single time something was said towards the explanation. Me: SO EFFING TRUE. *rage*

Penguin.

2012-01-18T23:21:00.000-06:00

It takes a penguin 70% of it's energy just to stand on the ice like this. It must be so tiring.

I feel like that sometimes. I feel like it's tiring just to stand. It's tiring just to keep my eyes open. It's tiring to have to keep breathing, keep thinking... wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It takes me all my energy just to motivate myself to do something, do anything, so. When I see that nothing I do ever bears fruit, it just depresses me. No matter how much of my energy I'm using for my everyday life, even if I'm giving it 100% nothing is coming from it. Just the simple task of being someone who attracts people. I don't like reaching. I don't like approaching. Hell, I'm starting to dislike talking now. It's tiring.

麗 ★

Socially Awkward.

2012-01-18T21:29:00.001-06:00

Oddly enough, I start all relationships with a positive standpoint. Depending on who you are, I may or may not exploit EXTRA effort to at least strike up conversation with you at the very least. Usually, I'm kind of awkward, but it's just my way of becoming friends.

Very rarely will I do it more than twice if I keep getting shut down/ rejected all together. Just not worth the effort. However, I do get very disappointed when I try a lot but then you won't even give me the courtesy of just letting me amuse myself. How fucking DIFFICULT is it to just step out a little bit from your comfort zone and meet me not even half way. Like freaking just at your doorstep. Every time with people, it's like I take one step forward and they're moving two steps back. Why is it so fucking difficult to just be friends with people? Is it cause I'm ugly? And along with that "Is Being Pretty Everything?" Fat Cat. You hit the nail right on the head. HELL YEAH. IT SEEMS TO BE SO.

I want a person who will only care for me
Is being pretty everything?
Do you only look at the outer image?
Please stop now and look at my heart (look look look)
Am I good-for-nothing?
Am I that unworthy?
That's so not cool, look at my heart (look look look)

HUUUH. Tough life. This is everything else I think about while I'm not thinking about how to make Jiyong perfect. :)

麗 ★

Slevin.

2012-01-16T00:49:00.000-06:00

Watched some Korean movies today. Watched You're my Pet and The King and the Clown. THE LATTER WAS REALLY GOOD AND YOU SHOULD WATCH IT... AND CAN READ ABOUT IT here. YAYAYAYAY

): So I found out a while back that my favorite fanfic writer disappeared off the face of the earth. (SADTIMES.) And I never got a chance to read his whole archive. I feel like I've disappointed my people. LOL. I've been writing too much fluff. Not enough PWP, angst or smut no mores. SIGH. DISAPPOINTMENT OF LIFE. I'm sorry. *bows deeply*

AND MOST OF ALL. I haven't written anything truly gasoo in forever. Or rather. Finished and posted it. LOL. I feel like a failure. I should just execute "Domestic" or "Cappuccino" by now. But that's embarrassing. And I have to be in a very particular mood to write something like that... -_- SIGH. In terms of deciding which to write first... LEAVE YOUR COMMENT IN THE COMMENT BOX BELOW... Err... Wait I don't have one anymore. ): YEAH. NOT THAT IT MATTERS. NO ONE LEFT ME COMMENTS (kisses) when I had my old skin. xD I'm pretty sure my blog no one reads no more. IT AIIGHT. IT AIIGHT. LOL. It'd be embarrassing if people still did.

1. "Domestic" KeyXTaemin - NC-17. LOL. SORRY
2. "Cappuccino" JonghyunXKey - NC-17 LOL. YEAH SORRY.

Similar plotlines. Just different... toys? LOL. Okay. That sounds kinda shady. Whatever. xD You don't get much plotline alluding, just pairings. :) Whee. Umm. I've started both of them. Just neglected writing the heavy. All the description (not that there's much prelude) is all in there already. I'M JUST NEGLECTING. LOL.

Anyway. SO... RIP Slevin Csheyes's journal ): You are missed dearly.

麗 ☆

PS: I'm really developing respect as well as renewed love for Junki oppa. He does all his own stunts. :) It's all part of his art. Scars are medals to him. Wow. Respect. Love him more than just a pretty face.

My Thoughts. My Life. My Story.

2012-01-14T17:09:00.000-06:00

I don't know WHY I always want to believe you. I don't even like talking anymore. Yeah, sure, it's because I'm used to it, but at the same time it's because every time I fucking open my mouth with you something shitty happens to my life. I hate talking. Cause if I don't open my mouth at least nothing happens, but life always gets worse whenever I do open it. I don't know WHY I listen to you when you say you want to hear what I think. No. You obviously don't understand the concept of "my thoughts" they're not "my thoughts" when you have selective hearing and hear what you want and anything I say that are "my thoughts" that you don't agree with automatically warrants punishment. You don't want to hear my thoughts. You want to hear your thoughts coming out of my mouth. It's a tragedy that I don't think the same things as you. It's a tragedy that you say you care about what I think, but you really don't. It's a tragedy you know absolutely nothing about me despite being a part of my life for 16 years. It really is a tragedy. Our relationship is a tragedy and I really can't wait for the day it ends. As terrible as this sounds, I used to be scared of what would happen if you were to die, would I feel regretful? Would I feel like I've been a terrible person all my life? Would I be able to survive? Now I do know. What will happen if you die is a major change in my life, the change of actually being free for once.

麗 ★

Wishful thinking.

2012-01-13T13:26:00.000-06:00

我到底在期待什麼...

I'm so tired. I want to cry and give up until something good happens upon me. I hate people. I hate school. I hate pretty much everything. I hate work. I hate trying so hard and still failing all the time. I hate being good for nothing. I have being good at nothing. I hate the fact that we're so fucking poor. I hate that I have naggy not Christian parents that even going to church is a battle. I hate always having to be the reacher and not the be-reached, be-touched. I hate that my voice sounds like a fucking dying cow. I hate that I'm so stupid that I need a 4.7 this semester to even have a 4.2. I hate that I'm too dumb to even do well in any area of the ACT. I hate that even though I write everyday I still write like shit. I hate that I can't even get straight A's in elementary school cause I'm so dumb. I hate that when I try so hard to be a "good Christian" and think I'm in a good place I still need to judged by people who don't know anything. I hate that when I work hard in a place for a year, almost two I still have to feel like I stepped in shit just because of some dumbass newbie who obviously never learned the word "respect" in their whole entire lives. I hate that when I'm nice to people there's no courtesy of returning that. I hate that I don't feel like those apples on top of the tree, I feel like there's something fucking wrong with me. I hate being me in every possible way.

I hate being alive sometimes.

麗 ★

2o12: Say Hello.

2012-01-01T22:09:00.001-06:00

All in all, I'm going to say 2o11 was a really incredibly bad year. It started out bad, ended bad. It's 2o12 and with the Bulls winning by 40 some points on the first day of this new year (even if it was against the Grizzlies...) 2o12 is looking optimistic.

2o11 in a short rundown -

Too much crying
Too much change
Too many friends lost
Too many confusions
A small number of good friends that stuck with me through it all
Lots and lots of U-KISS
Renewed distance toward "real boys"
But some good guys that really helped through a lot
A lot more bitterness, a lot better ability to hold grudges
A lot more fearless, a lot more daring

2o12: Hopes and Lists.

Less crying
A stronger heart
Less bitterness
More hope
To talk less, become a better listener
Become more closed
Become more interesting
Find something I really love

Here's to a great year! Cheers~ Even if the world is ending, I'll still be living loud.

麗 ☆

So mad.

2011-12-22T14:33:00.000-06:00

You're the dumbass that moves other people's stuff after they specifically say "DON'T TOUCH MY FUCKING STUFF. I JUST WRAPPED IT, AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH IT, KICK IT AROUND, OR PUT IT IN A FUCKING GARBAGE BAG. SHUT UP DUMBASS." etc. And then you think you're all high and mighty, but you can't even say sorry when you do stuff wrong. And then your fucking story doesn't match up. You tell me you put the cup underneath the bag, then when Helen comes home you tell her you put it on top of the tissue paper. I bet.

That's why it ended up on bottom. It's like me attempting to roll under my bed into the drawer. It doesn't occur naturally, it certainly didn't get some arms and legs and maneuver its way there. And then you blame me for "not being careful". What the fuck did I do? You mean I wrapped all the gifts individually and then put them in a pile? I know whose gift is whose, why the fuck would I put it underneath the other gifts, in a bag that's not for that person. Dumbass. Just get your thoughts straight, how the fuck does that even make sense. And plus. I'm not ASKING you to get a new one. I'm ASKING you for an apology. It won't hurt you to just give one. I hate prideful dumbasses the most. Oh wait. I hate you the most. Why the fuck do I try to get along with you in the first place?

It's okay, get out of my face, get out of my life as soon as I get my license and get the fuck out of this house to college I'm gonna be free of you.

麗 ★

Girl, Interrupted.

2011-12-20T17:24:00.000-06:00

I'm tired of barging in on other people's lives. Gotta just accept seclusion and disclusion.

I'm gonna start being shy from now on. I swear. I'm going to start being someone you have to approach instead of being someone who's so outgoing all the time. Maybe I can shut up altogether. If I don't open my mouth there won't be a problem. If I don't open my mouth I don't have to be scared of being disappointed.

麗 ★

Even if your heart is in pain, don't cry.

2011-12-19T00:53:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you're so mad that you can't sleep
Sometimes, you miss him so much that you can't sleep

麗 ★

Intimacy.

2011-12-18T22:14:00.000-06:00

If I believed in the people instead of the faith I probably wouldn't be "Christian". Good thing an intimate love relationship with Jesus is the only thing that matters.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me what being "Christian" is. I'm in love with God. God is in love with me. Where is the problem here? I'm sick of people telling me off saying I'm a bad Christian or something. I've had to deal with it all my life from people like my parents. I don't come from a family like yours where your parents were both Christian and they dragged you to church instead of threatening you with it everyday. Because I jokingly say my Pastor's kids are the only kids I like I have to get bashed by some unknowing adult. Because I'm saying that being committed and having a sense of responsibility is right I have to get bashed by some unknowing kid.

Where I do understand it's probably a God given trial, I'm tired of having people turn me off from going to church. When I go to church, do I feel like I belong? Not much. My family is basically Worship team and not many other people. Even in Worship team I feel like there aren't really many people who care. There's select people that even respond when I'm trying to be friendly toward them. It's really tiring having to be happy and positive and mature all the time.

It's great to see that people exclude me from church activities a lot too. I feel like whenever I do things I'll go out of my way to see if there's a way they can be included before just saying no. But no. You just say no straight up without even asking anyone anything. It's impossible to expect the same mentality from everyone, but I'm just saying I'm pretty sure this isn't the correct mentality.

I don't want to judge anyone or anything, but this is just how I feel when I'm at church, or with church people sometimes even. It's odd to think that now all my friends are atheists or agnostic or just non-Christians or Christmas/Easter Christians. But there's a reason for that.

I am so so so so so so tired.

麗 ★

To Lie, I shall be singing for you through the night.

2011-12-11T13:21:00.000-06:00

Cover my ears with your sweet lies, so I can escape from the reality I'm trapped in.

If he treats you like a princess you really think you are a princess.

Well guess what. Fuck you. Cause I'm gonna judge so hard. And I'm gonna hate so hard. Cause you're not a princess, you're certainly not my princess. And I ain't gonna treat you like one. I'm gonna tell it like it is. You're a bitch. That's what you are.

麗 ★

#ProudtobeaKissMe

2011-12-08T00:48:00.000-06:00

HEY GUYS. :) THERE ARE MANY THINGS I NEED YOU TO DO.
First and foremost.
Kevin expressed his want on Twitter for Tick Tack's video to reach 1 mil views by 12/14 (KST most likely) SOSOSO. CLICK HERE. I EVEN MADE A PLAYLIST FOR YOU TO JUST KEEP ON YOUR COMP.

NEXT.

U-KISS NEEDS TO WIN AN AWARD. LIKE NOW. They're on the list for SBS MTV awards. And so far they're leading with a 15.5% lead. At 35.5% of the votes. THEY NEED TO WIN. SO vote here. You can vote every 10 minutes. That's what I've been doing. LULZ. :) KISS ME'S FIGHTING! U-KISS needs us!

麗 ☆

Indispensable.

2011-12-05T23:29:00.000-06:00

To be needed.

When without, the uncontrollable feeling of loss, desire and need for them to be there. For every minute they're gone, your breath gets caught in your throat and it becomes increasingly more difficult to breathe. For every moment they're gone, they're running through your brain, old memories, old habits.

That unspeakable feeling of nostalgia. Where every time something reminds you of them, you don't know whether to smile or to cry - they're not there anymore, it won't happen again. You remember all the things they say. Every last promise, every last compliment, every last thing they liked about you. You wonder if they'd still like that about you, and you live, keeping that, hoping that they still would.

Towards that person, there is no other. There is no replacement. You're something so priceless and precious that they keep you in the palm of their hand, holding on tight, afraid that if they even so much as to loosen their grip for one moment you'll slip away through their fingers.

If you were so much as to leave. It's like the whole world becomes dim.

麗 ★

A/N: X-posted from here.

What.

2011-12-03T00:01:00.000-06:00

I don't even know what to think right now. I'm just stumbling.

Aimlessly. Letting random things take over my life. Having random wants and desires that completely contradict each other.

Like I keep saying. I'm a contradiction. Don't hate.

麗 ★

Nostalgia.

2011-11-28T00:10:00.001-06:00

I really don't do this often. And for good reason too. Think of it as growing up. But tonight is truly a nostalgic night. After have a good long deep talk with my dongseng, Diana... I've really remembered a lot about the time that really affected me for who I am, for better or for worse. Even though sometimes I look upon that time with regret, but I remember the laughing, the crying, all the events of that time with a sort of happy smile usually.

It really was a sort of safe haven. Despite our struggles, our increased distant-ness over the years, but I'm sure that in all of our hearts. It was a place that we all can't ever forget. I know I won't. All the experiences I had there, for better or for worse, makes me who I am today. When I think about that place, there's an overpowering sense of awe, and I think "Really? Has it really been 4-5 years since we were close like that?" Why is it so different now?

It's cause we all changed, we all grew up. And for better or for worse, that place was a vehicle for that. A kind of old, rusty, but homely vehicle. Kind of like a family's old rusty powder blue Buick or something.

And family, is an accurate description to describe that sort of relationship. But not. It was all too similar to reality. I'll admit. I loved. I loved long and hard.

For 5 years, I can't even begin to understand what I had in me to have a love like that.

Sometimes I find myself laughing at myself, now that I've gotten past that obstacle called You. Sometimes I try to explain away that love for you as trivial things such as infatuation. But nonetheless, love is love.

I won't describe anything I ever felt for any of the other trivial guys as anything even remotely similar. It's a feeling I felt once, for one person. And it hurt a lot when it happened. Through it all though, I don't really harbor any negative feelings for you at all. It's more like a, huh. It happened. I don't know to say I'm glad, but appreciative that a feeling like that has ever happened to me.

Although looking back at it, you can be described as being similar to so many of the other guys I've ever met in my life. Cocky, full of yourself, flirtatious. Never thinking about who you were hurting, or that person's worth to you before you spoke. Just like every other guy. Putting you into perspective.

"He wasn't ever serious." It felt odd hearing that from someone else. The way they say it is in a complete different way than how I say it. I think I've always said it in an endearing way, as in you weren't always attached, but more like a playful sort of breezy sort of guy. But they meant it in a sort of, you really weren't serious, to anyone. About anyone.

It hurts to think of it like that. It really does hurt me to think of you being like that. It's odd to think that I hold you on that sort of pedestal when I condemn all other guys as "typical, guys would be like that". When you are the manifestation of "that" sort of guy. You got all caught up in yourself didn't you?

I can't shake all the times that we stayed up late talking. Being "serious". All the times I spent thinking, beyond all this friendly banter, there is more to this.

There is more to this.

I really loved you a lot. And I hope to love like that again someday, for some other. But really, in all this time spent in my memory.

I thank you.

麗 ★

THANXGIVING DAY!

2011-11-24T15:56:00.000-06:00

I haven't done one of these just talking about my day blogposts for a long time! Actually. I haven't blogged in a long time in general!

So, today's kinda sorta been a perfect day! I woke up in the morning at 9 am. No problem! I woke up to the sweet vibration of Kevin tweeting in the morning! It's his birthday today! Yayayayay! So I hurriedly get up in the morning to tweet him! :) And then I go on Twitter. AND WORLDWIDE #21kissesforKevin is trending! :) YAAAY.

So today I didn't actually do much but be domestic. xD Uploaded my first vocal cover in a long time. Not too great, but hey! It's a start haha. I baked chocolate mint cookies! Yum! :) And I made rainbow almond tofu! And my mommy's letting me go to the small group sleepover on Friday. YAYAYAYAY.

I dunno what I did to deserve any of this and I know... knowing me it's probably not anything that I did. But that's the gift of grace isn't it? :) The gift of having more than you were ever entitled to! YAYAYAY. JESUS! I'm thankful for You! :)

麗 ☆

PS: Present to Kevin is HERE.

Wishlist: 2012!

2011-11-12T23:58:00.001-06:00

I have been having an odd obsession with all things fashion and lovely today after the huge shopping spree at the mall with my mom and sister today. So yeah...

Cosmetics

1. My Beauty Diary - Facial masks! (So getting these when I'm in Taiwan. <3)
2. Urban Decay NAKED pallet
3. New brushes... Ecotools? Maybe?
4. Tokidoki brushes. (I just want these cause they're cute...)
5. Eyelash primer.
6. A good liquid foundation...
7. New BB Cream! Skinfoods!
8. Clarisonic cleansing set!
9. Urban Decay Priming Potion...
10. More of my Blitz and Glitz Mac Fluid liner... ): It's almost all gone

Clothing

1. Thick knit scarf
2. A new vest... less puffy.
~~3. A suit jacket~~ ACHIEVED.
4. A solid plain hoodie. Not a thick one. A thin one.
5. Assortment of thicker scarves...
6. More fake glasses.... One pair isn't enough to go around my sister and I. xD
7. Ankle length boots. (comfy plox)
8. New strappy heels... WANT.
9. KIRIGUMI... (WHEN I GET MY PAYCHECK. FJODSIFJSODFSDO)
10. Platform boots. WITH REALLY HIGH LACES... WOOT.
11. Leather boots. Normal length. With many buckles. <3
12. Some new belts.
13. MY LONG WANTED PAIR OF BLACK SKINNIES. JWOAIFODS.
14. Um... some cardigans. Yeah. I need more.
15. SPORTS BRA. WTF... FJSDOFIDJSOF.
16. Another pair of high tops. :P
17. Peacoat. Want.
18. More circle lense. In particular green, gray, pink, light blue. I want Princess Mimi lens. <3 The gray ones <3.

麗 ☆

PS: I just find guys who can dress themselves to be 28094803290432840932049324032x more attractive than if they can't. And I have a confession to make. Kevin is not the most attractive man to me on this planet. But he is the only one for me! #COMMITMENT.

PPS: Park Hyung Seok is amazing. Please go look him up and feel the same joyous feeling I feel when I look at him and the way he dresses. <3

In Heaven.

2011-11-08T22:16:00.000-06:00

Love this song. But it makes me really sad whenever I listen to it. The backdrop of this song is really sad, but very touching too. Beyond just the song sounding good, I think it has value to everyone who's ever lost a loved one. Whether for good. Or because they're just leaving.

My number one insecurity. People leaving. Inconsistency is what I say I hate most, but really I'm just scared of people leaving. Cause maybe I'm just not good enough, and that's why people leave.

麗 ★

Fight the Good Fight.

2011-11-05T10:01:00.000-05:00

I know I'm struggling. I know it's taking everything I am just to hold on. It's time to be strong and fight the good fight.

麗 ☆

Damaged : Follow-up.

2011-11-01T20:08:00.000-05:00

2nd day I've had nothing to do! I've completed the tedious tasks of my day (*cough cough* marrying Kevin *cough cough*) HAHA. Naw. That wouldn't be tedious at all. More like a dream come true <3. So I have time today to explain my pieceee! Yaaay. It is kinda TRY HARD, but hey. Here's the explanation.

The story is really similar to the story in IU's MV for The Story Only I Didn't Know.The concept is kinda different though. In the MV the girl is psychotic because the guy she loved (an older man) died and she went into the psychiatric ward. In a sense Damaged is more like a personal narrative. Of sorts. Or a definition piece. Whichever one you prefer to think of it as.

The first scene is a car crash - and the idea is the first impact. The first step to becoming damaged is the first impact, in this case, the first impact is already implied (her lover died or what not. Don't ask me. IDGAF about the details. Just the ideas were pieced nicely in my head) the final impact is the actual physical impact. (See, this story is a constant parallel of physical vs mental damage.)

The next scene is that she's in a hospital, and no one has visited her (what the x's mean). She imagines that someone visits her (her old lover, so at this point it's starting to be all in her head). The image I had in my mind for this portion was a sharp contrast between the black and the white, and the black is silky as if she's still retaining her dignity in her damage. The idea of a "veil" reinforces that she's still pure despite all the damage/influences around her.

The tears are a realization of the damage, yet denial sets in when she rocks herself on the floor.

Scene two. Pure nothingness is the overall focus of this part. And the fact that she's by herself in her damage. And that it's a festering wound, even if you ignore it, it won't heal itself. If you tend to it, it still won't heal. It's the type of damage that's permanent. And it leaves a permanent scar. Both physically (the wound) and mentally.

Towards the end of Damaged. There's just the idea of being lost and aimless and having your life stripped from you because you're damaged. It's like you become a different person, not the same as before and no matter how much you try to hold on to what you were/what you had (in this case her lover). It all comes down to realizing reality, it's never gonna be the same.

Yup. Just some ideas that inspired this short piece. >:D... PHILOSOPHICAL THINKING FTW.

麗 ☆

Pretend to be Unconcerned.

2011-10-31T23:29:00.000-05:00

You know that feeling when you want to just DGAF about everything so that no shred of unhappiness remains? Like I'd rather be apathetic now rather than unhappy. Rather than making a huge black hole out of everything that passes my way I'm likening my experiences to a wave that rises and falls. Inevitable.

But that awkward moment where someone you're nice to is always fucking mad at you for no reason? You just want to punch the person responsible. But then you realize. Oh. That person's just juvenile and self-centered and can't see beyond the brick wall of the little castle they're living in. Oh yeah.

That.

Awkward.

麗 ☆

Damaged.

2011-10-31T23:24:00.000-05:00

My body feels weird lately. It doesnt feel like my body. Isn't the weather really weird today? On days like this I feel like someone might come to find me.

The air braced the impact. She lay on the ground, a warm sensation flowing out of her. Feeling lost, chaos happened around her. Sirens flashed and sounded. Everything flew into a blur, color, images, sounds, feeling, lost in the moment as she lay on the fragments of glass around her. She gasped for breath, but her lungs refused to fill as she choked out incohesive sobs.

She was lifted up into white light. White walls. Long, unending halls of space. Words and sounds flew around her, nothing entering her befuddled brain. Only the steady beat of her heart. Pounding. Pounding. Pounding. In her chest.

Her eyes opened as she entered into consciousness once more. The sound of pencil scratching across paper in a definite criss-cross motion. The rustling of pages. She closed her eyes. Her breathing steadying, in-out, in-out.

Her hand slid up the silky black fabric, the smooth feeling against her skin. She removed her eyes from the same unending white scene. Turning, she saw a dark figure. Muffled sobs rose up again. She fell to the ground, black hair cascading around her face like a veil. She knelt and brought her head to her knees, lips brushing against the flawless silk.

Warm tears stained the cool tiles. Over and over, she rocked herself, assuring herself. She brought his hands to her lips, brushing against them sombrely.

A cross through the blank. She opened her eyes to the silence around her. A dripping sound with a turn of a knob. That was too, silenced. With a definite sound of metal scraping on metal. She stood, lifting herself off where she lay. Ankles weak, she limped across the cold floor. Another visitor. Another stranger. She took a step forward, glass digging into her. A painful feeling. She fell to the ground, tending to a wound that wouldn't heal. She bled. The crimson tainting the white floor. Like a poison, it spread across the surface.

Another scratch, across brittle surface. Another day, another x. The neat orderly rows of cross-outs lined the page. Feeling lifeless, her body wasn't hers. She stepped out across the stairs, led by a featureless face. Her dress a royal trail of scarlet. Step by step she descended deeper.

Is it okay for you to leave like this?

The feeling across her wrist no longer warm and becoming, tugged at her. Demanding her attention. Her submissiveness to follow. She was pulled deeper and deeper. Her steps now swift and fervent.

Didn't he leave long ago? Didn't he die long ago?

The pulling sensation stopped, the pressure dropping her down. Her legs refused to lift her. The black settled in. Aimless. Wandering. Left long ago. Blinded and damaged now.

Why was this the story only I didn't know?

---------

A random short piece written from an idea that's been on my mind for a while. More like some long held grudges and feelings that needed to explode in form of creative writing. But in all honesty. It's just a reflection of my heart.

This piece makes little to no sense without an explanation. So maybe I'll write one up sometime.

But for now.

It'll just be my little secret.

麗 ☆

Irony.

2011-10-30T18:51:00.000-05:00

The funny moment when someone gets angry that you "blocked" them (read as: set them to acquaintance on FB cause you were tired of all of the <3s x infinity-ness) and then they block you.

Hypocrisy at its best. LOL.

麗 ☆

Btdubs. I'm really starting to DGAF about people who enjoy making judgments on me based on proof-less conjecture.

Go Away.

2011-10-30T18:03:00.000-05:00

Don't worry about me and go away

I'll disappear, no strings attached

You thought I'd hang onto you

It's disgusting, don't misunderstand

You know,

Sometimes it feels like I enjoy it

I enjoy making everything worse

Just so,

I can feel like everything will get better

So that everything can just

Go away.

麗 ☆

How did this happen. :\

2011-10-30T17:33:00.000-05:00

You can have months and months of high time where everything seems like you can handle it. Then you can have a night where nothing sets you off and you just sit there bawling because everything seems wrong. The fact that your friends are having problems. The fact that someone you tried so long on shut you out for so long. The fact that you're eating barely anything and you're still fat. The fact that you actually try in class and fail harder than all those people who don't care, don't pay attention and treat the class like a joke. The fact that you can dream all day but it'll never amount to anything. Why do I always have to be so worthless.

Why can't I just be perfect.

麗 ☆

Gurl. Mah PMS looks like that.

2011-10-30T16:16:00.000-05:00

Why do I feel so freaking stressed.

It's like I'm trying so hard to be satisfied, trying so hard to make the things that don't add up make sense. Trying so fucking hard to not be so fucking needy all the time. I guess I'm just a bitch that can't help being high maintenance.

I want people to understand.

But I also want people to just leave me alone so that things don't always have to get so complicated or frustrating all the time.

I'm just bipolar and contradictory okay? And no longer want to give a damn.

麗 ☆

PS: I'd probably be a lot less stressed if I weren't such a piece of fat lard all the time. Ughhh.

A fantasy that isn’t far away.

2011-10-23T21:23:00.000-05:00

That mood where all I wanna do is write about perfect guys in white suits singing Take me Away while playing the piano.

It's all about you.

麗 ☆

"Why don't you listen to _____'s side of the story?"

2011-10-15T23:40:00.001-05:00

I'm so fucking sick and tired of this sentence. Maybe it's cause I was a fucking part of the situation and I know what the fuck happened and you're butting your ass into something that doesn't concern you. No one asked you to be involved. You, go and make your own drama and don't get into mine. You have no fucking right to judge me when you don't know shit. You never listened to "my side of the story", or you listened and just didn't give a fuck. Because I won't fucking cry in front of someone just to extract pity, I'm not that person and I'll never be that person.

I don't know why I give you so many chances, or try so hard on you when I look back and realize when IDGAF about you... you treat me poorly and when I actually try hard to be nice to you it's always that line and you treat me just as poorly. You're one of those people who have a serious case of just... I need to be better than everyone, always need to be right. So fucking self-righteous.

Like if you're just going to ignore me, or be pissed off at me all the time over something that someone else who is just giving you bullshit tells you then yeah, go right the fuck ahead. Cause I don't need you butting your head into my business all the time or making drama for me all the time.

你一直在抱怨你沒有什麼朋友，很孤單。但你卻不會試著想想為什麼你最好的朋友有了男朋友以後就不管你了。為什麼我跟Kelly自己搞好自己就好了，你在哪兒一直give us the cold shoulder 也無所謂。管我屁事，我不需要我做什麼都需要你的允許，的許可。你最好就一直過你那樣的生活吧。一直跟你朋友的男朋友做虧心事。一直就當公主吧。

麗 ☆

Dieting Journal: Day One!

2011-10-15T14:14:00.001-05:00

Lol. Yes. I'm starting a new label/category called dieting journal. I'm determined to keep this up! So yesterday was Day One!

It turned out pretty good.. I think. xD Not that what I think has anything to do with it. IT'S THE RESULTS THAT MATTER.

I consumed 1260 calories yesterday! I went over by 60 calories, but I figure hey, give or take 100 should be fine. xD!

o: Did 1000 jump rope reps, 400 sit ups/ leg lifts (alternating by sets of 10), 50 squats and 25 mountain climbers! Except. I did them before bed. Couldn't go out running cause by the time I got home it was already too dark outside ):!

~~~ Today has been pretty successful so far! I made my weird wheat, black bean, brown rice, honey, soymilk drink! It's actually not bad! It's pretty good. I also had pasta! Which was 270 calories only o: And some yogurt raisins, all in all lunch + breakfast only amounted to 570 calories. Soooo. I have 630 calories left to spare for today! :) Yaaaaay. Gonna eat with Kelly and Arvind! Healthily, of course!

Baaah. GOO HARAAAA. MOTIVATE MEEEEEE. *stares at picture of Goo Hara's 21.78 waist*

Okay. Motivated.

HWAITING!

麗 ☆

Kpop Idol Diet Plan!

2011-10-14T00:22:00.000-05:00

Goo Hara is freaking perfect. She's like my height, give or take an inch. But, she's like... so skinny. She's Kelly's weight at my height. What the hell?! So crazy. *_* Hara is my role model from now on. So I've decided to start on a journey to diet. (I'm writing it on my blog to make it official... and more binding, cause my life gets posted on my blog. IDK. I just feel like I would be more accountable.)

GOAL -

100 - 110 lbs
22-25 inch waist

RULES -

1,200 calories a day
CHIGGEN. No other meats
No food after 7
Lettuce, no rice (replace with watermelon), yogurt, fruits, brown rice, salad and low sodium!

EXERCISE -

300 sit ups/crunches a day
50 squats and mountain climbers (some sort of leg exercise)
3000 jump rope (start at 1000 first)
2 hours hula hoop
3 miles-ish a day

MEAL IDEAS -

Chiggen salad!
Weird drink thing - wheat, black bean, brown rice, soymilk, honey
Brown rice
Tofu
Boiled eggs (avoid egg yolk)
Fruit + veggies
Green tea (lots of it)
Bananas
Yogurt
Cherry Tomatoes
Sweet Potatoes

(More to be added)

... HWAITING.

麗 ☆

Yeah I'm a H8R. Suck it up.

2011-10-08T23:56:00.000-05:00

It's funny when a person you really hardcore despise makes you hate them even more. :\ That awkward moment when you don't think a person can change for the better, and then they change for the worst. Yup. I hate bitches.

It's like... They seriously must've watched an intense amount of kdrama (esp Temptation of Wife) to have this sort of action in life. Yup. :|.... Crazy manipulative bitch... God damn. You seriously have a serious case of bitchism and 公主病.

麗 ★

This Spontaneous Bleeding Needs to Stop.

2011-10-08T00:16:00.001-05:00

This skin infection is just super bad luck. :| GRR. HAAAAAAAAAATE. No shorts/skirts for the next few weeks. Well. Time to do some random blogging. xD There's not much else to highlight. o: It's been normal lately. Minus a couple things regarding HC and the such.

Nonono. Listen.

So there's this part where Soohyun basically gives Yura a makeover and like... pretties her up into a Princess (although she was extremely pretty to begin with...) and then brings her to a restaurant with the view of the Han River and then gives her all this fancy food (and her favorite food... STEAK) and then plays a song for her on the piano while singing it... OMG. IT'S LIKE OUT OF A KOREAN DRAMA.

I swear the Korean entertainment business has ruined any hopes of normal guys for me. LOL. It's Kevin forever... and I expect events from stuff like We Got Married, We Are Dating and Korean dramas. LOL. THAT IS WHAT I EXPECT NORMAL MEN TO BE LIKE NOW. Haha. I have problems. :) But seriously though. I think my secret wish is for someone to play a nice piano song for me while singing it in a really pretty voice... especially in some pretty and formal clothing.

/highstandardsftw.

麗 ★

Letting out all of my Frustrations.

2011-10-05T20:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't written anything negative in 2 weeks and a day. So I guess that's a good thing. Cause it's not been that frustrating of a time lately. It's been the ups and downs where there's some HW, some frustration, some obnoxiousness but not a lot and not all at once. Today, however was really obnoxious. Honestly, my mindset for this year is that everything is about perspective and not everything is as sucky as it first sets out to be. But, seriously.

I already have low self esteem, I really don't need all this shit about my legs 24/7 of my life. Nor do I need a constant reminder that I'm a big fat piece of lard. Yes. It's been established. Thank you, as if I didn't know it before.

School has probably been the least pressing thing on my mind, sure I have a teacher who's really obnoxious and I'd like to burn at the stake if possible, but hey. That's only 50 minutes out of my 24 hours of a day 5 days a week. See. Perspective. But when the person you sit next to in math won't even just grow a pair and ask a fucking question when you've been doing everything for them for most of this year, it's really obnoxious. I don't mind being taken advantage of, as long as you will fucking do something if I really ask you like 10 times to do. And it's not something that takes brain power. I just want you to ask a question because that teacher who really hates me ignored me all 5 times I tried to ask her a question. Seriously if you're so "shy" get over it. Cause you don't seem so shy around everyone else. There's always gonna be those people who are fairweather people and expect you to do everything for them, but lately that one class has gotten more and more unhappy-ing on my mind. It's like. You're nice and try to understand because they have other more important classes, but if they won't do anything... And your grade depends on it too.... Well then. Even though my "friendship" outweighs grades anyday (ironic, compared to some other people) I'm not sure if it's really "friendship" if the other person is willing to continuously take advantage of you without a single care.

Friends. That awkward moment when you realize one of the best friends you ever had no longer has the values they used to have. The important ones. When you realize they're a completely different person. Yeah. That awkward moment. Or that awkward moment when you have to tip-toe around one of your good friends cause everything you say becomes an insult to them, and they send you looks and you just have to pretend you don't see. Yeah. That sort of awkward moment. Or the awkward moment when you scroll through your contacts on your phone and you realize you can only text 5 people. And of those 5 people you can only text 2 and 1/2 people important things. Yeah that sort of awkward moment. That awkward moment when you try to join conversation only to realize no one gives a hell or a damn about whatever comes out of your mouth.

Sometimes I am disappointed that my life amounts to only this. I try to think about the future in a positive light - marrying Kevin, becoming an entertainer - having a job I don't completely hate and would actually enjoy, being semi-middle class, living in an Asian country with a good amount of friends where there isn't that awkward moment where no one gives a hell what you're saying, being actually somewhat talented instead of an awkward piece of crap whenever you try to do something, anything. Oh, and finally growing out of awkwardness, being socially adept and looking not like a fat chick who needs to lose a few pounds and get plastic.

麗 ★

5201314.

2011-09-26T23:25:00.000-05:00

我想要有一個人為我一心付出。

說那八個字...

我一生一世愛著你；I love you with all of my heart.

麗 ★

두근두근.

2011-09-23T00:42:00.000-05:00

I have a secret.

It's warm.

麗 ☆

Confessions.

2011-09-21T23:57:00.001-05:00

1. I like being petted immensely. I actually love affection, even if I avoid it with guys sometimes. I try to keep away from stuff that makes me delusional. But I love petting, forehead kisses, and just someone treating me like if they drop me I'll break sorta thing. :)

2. I have the mind of a guy, but a physical appearance and possible discomforts of a girl. I feel self conscious when I eat bananas. Luckily I don't eat them often. I hate bananas.

3. I'm bad at writing. But I still enjoy it. So the Neverland... collection I'm writing right now... Are all things inspired by my dreams... Yes. I'm embarrassing.

4. I'm an extremely embarrassing person in general. I be the perfect gentleman so that maybe one day.............. "Do onto others as you would like done onto you" or the "What goes around comes around" sorta thing.

5. I have a thing for guys in white suits. Black suits and shirts are classy, and sexy... but something about white suits makes me squeeeeeee.

6. Even though I really like heavy stuff, I really like ballads actually. Ballads break my heart. And I'm very biased for guys who can sing.

7. Guys who play drums are my passion. But when I see guys who can play piano. My heart stops!

8. I'll admit. I like guys who are a tad bit... on the girly side. I feel very impressed for the guys who can pull of girl dances for some odd reason. (Quad K! Kevin, Kiseop, Key, and Kwon!)

Okay. It's late. I'm done. :) Nightio.

麗☆

Religious.

2011-09-20T16:11:00.000-05:00

The thing is that I don't just want to be a religious person. I don't want to think that we're doing "alright". I want to do better than that, do the best for God. So when I hear people say that they can see Christ through our church community, I feel frustrated. Where in our church do you see Jesus exactly? I can't see it at all.

We're just satisfied within our own little cliques. We should be welcoming and increasing in number, yet people continue to leave, and leave more. Then you have all these dumb people making judgments about everyone else, like they know EXACTLY what a Christian is like, EXACTLY how a Christian should be and everyone should do EXACTLY what they think. God is God alone for a reason. You're just mere man. We all are. I don't think your existence warrants you to be judging everyone all around.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie downer, or trying to prove something like I'm better than everyone else. I'm just trying to be real. The American church sucks. The Chinese church sucks too. We're not glad for Christ at all, we think about what everyone else thinks- even in church, we're not celebrating, we're not joyous, we're not lifting our hands praising Christ for all He's done.

Instead, in church we look around toward all the people who aren't doing anything and feel like apathy is the cool way to go. Instead, we look at joyous people, we look at people who don't just know God, but that they KNOW God, as in all his attributes, not just the small God that demands our obedience, but rather the God with all His infinite greatness and miracles and plan and Father that will give all good things to us; we look at that and wonder what the hell is wrong with them because they're not like us.

This is how our church is.

This is not an example of Christ.

麗 ★

I think my heart just stopped...

2011-09-14T23:09:00.000-05:00

I can't get over Kevin. xD... I'M IN LOVEEEEEE. LITERALLY. This is what I'm talking about. Except I think in my story it's even more charming. White suit... white grand piano... Take Me Away... <3

/melts.

麗 ☆

I don't think anyone fully appreciates...

2011-09-14T22:57:00.000-05:00

How happy this clip makes me!

16 seconds of happiness right there. I love Kevin so much. x3

麗 ☆

Love of A Friend.

2011-09-09T00:09:00.002-05:00

Love, it was simple.

Just the simple act of holding hands, walking closely together, sharing heat while being bundled up in hats, scarves and mittens against the cold made her heart pound. Song Hyo Rim’s heart held a constant beat as she breathed in her favorite fragrance. Him.

And it was worth every second of walking outside in the cold.

“Are you cold?”

She shook her head, perfectly content the way they were. He brought her hands to his lips and breathed gently on them, rubbing them together in his own hands. Then he placed his hands on her ears, covering them.

However, she was well aware of everything happening around her. There had been gossiping and rumors surrounding Sunghyun and well. Her. She often wondered if she were only an annoyance. They had even caught a blurry picture of her. Not clear enough to make out anything about her at all.

Her eyes were drawn to the television screens in the window of the store they were standing outside of. There were speculations being said by the netizens about Sunghyun.

“He’s just lying to us. Does he even consider us Kiss-Mes?”

“Why is he hiding this girl? She must be some sorry pitiful girl who doesn’t even deserve our prince.”

She felt something warm drip down her face. Something as small as this had hurt her. How did she even deserve him?

Sunghyun turned her face back to his, kissing the lone tear off her cheek. He wrapped his hands closer around her ears. “You don’t have to listen to anything but me. I love you, so, so, so much. Princess.” He took one hand away and lifted her hand to his lips, brushing against it lightly.

Hyorim, feeling color rise in her cheeks, decided to do something bold. Yes, she loved her sunshine, her warmth so much. She lifted herself just high enough, kissed his slightly open lips. “I love you.”

--------------

It had only been three months before.

Hyorim practiced in the dance room alone. She tried to concentrate on only the beats pounding into the floor. She turned, feeling off balanced, she falls to the ground. She exclaimed silently to herself as she felt the gnawing hurt of her ankle bending the wrong way.

It had only been three months before.

Her voice tentative, she whispered a small accusation, “Why?”

Her sunlight had carried her, warmed her, treated her like a princess. Then one day, it was cold.

Excuses, apathy, everything possible to avoid her.

“I have dance practice today.”

“I have class today.”

“I don’t have time for you today.”

It didn’t help that the hateful comments and rumors and gossip only increased. She browsed the net only to be met by speculating news talking about her, speculating what type of girl she was. All the articles did were to put everything she wasn’t into writing. Only confirmed her fears.

She wasn’t good enough.

She couldn’t be perfection. No matter how much she tried.

She stood back up, hating herself for being weak. She continued.

Left. Right. Step. Turn. It hurt.

It hurt.

It started after the fan meeting. Before it, Sunghyun was all smiles. She was there, of course. There were questions bombarded against him, interrogating him as to who she was, why she couldn’t be revealed and such. He smiled and responded to each of the questions patiently. But towards the end of the meeting she could see that he was tired and having difficulty maintaining that patience.

“Are you tired? Do you want me to make you some coffee?” She was already taking out the coffee beans and measuring the water upon getting back to his apartment.

“Stop.”

“It’s okay; it’s really no big deal. I like making coffee for you.”

“No. Stop.”

She felt the handle of the coffee brewer slip through her fingers. The coffee beans clattered to the floor. She bent down and started picking them up.

“Hyorim. I’m tired. Just leave.”

As if there was some unspoken agreement, things fell apart from there.

She never tried to push him. She just accepted it as the way reality should have been. She should’ve known. She couldn’t be perfection.

It had only been three months before.

Things fell through so fast.

They weren’t friends. They weren’t lovers. And it hurts and she cries.

She walked out of the dance studio, tears still stinging her face. Pain gnawing at her ankle, but most of all pain gnawing at her heart.

And outside, almost as if a sort of bitter mocking. She saw.

Him.

His expression changed quickly- surprised; exasperated; angry. “You can’t even take care of yourself when I’m not around can you?”

Silence.

“What have you been doing?” He gestured angrily toward the dance studio. “You can’t even be a little bit more careful.”

Silence.

“What if you got hurt?”

“Why do you care when the thing that hurts most is you?”

She almost regrets saying it, seeing the hurt fill his eyes hurt her just as much. She didn’t even notice she had been staring into his eyes for so long. She looked away, breaking off the contact. She starts to walk away.

Gripping tightly around her wrist, he starts leading her away. Through the halls, through the corridors, through the doors. It almost felt unreal, except for the pain in her ankle reminding her that this was indeed real.

“Why do you still bother for me when all I do is cause you hurt and more hurt? Doesn’t it bother you to hear those things said about you? Ever since you’ve been with me there hasn’t been anything that makes me worthy of you.” He runs his fingers through his hair, clenching it at the ends. His hand covers his eyes.

Her expression- surprised. Because she could say the same thing, except about herself. She had felt this one side love was heartbreaking, but now she could see it. He loved her all the same as from day one. Her voice was soft and tentative, as if testing waters, but firm in its purpose, “I love you all the same.”

She gathers him into her arms, rocking him back and forth, slowly piecing together the reason behind all the hurt in the past month. “I love you, no matter what any one else says about me. I love you and you alone, Woo Sung Hyun.”

-------------------

It had already been three months.

And they were still the hottest search on the web.

“Kevin Woo and Hyorim”.

The top clicked page?

Simple pictures, fingers interlocked, her silhouette contrasting against the scene. Her hair blowing through with the wind, her fingers running through that hair trying to keep it in place with a simple motion.

Words underneath.

Beautiful. I love you and only you.

If we are born again in the next world, I won’t let you go.

I love you like crazy, I love you till death.

Only you.

Pinkies held in promise. Never again.

A symbol of their love.

------------------------------

AHH. I MISSED THE OBLIGATORY PIGGYBACK SCENE... I'M SAD.

麗 ☆

Take Me Away.

2011-09-08T00:20:00.001-05:00

Left, right, step, turn.

It wasn’t that she wasn’t talented. Song Hyo Rim was plenty talented. Rather, it was that as her fingers ran across the mirrored walls the only things that reflected back at her were the broken parts of her life.

It wasn’t that she wasn’t good enough. She was taller than most. 164 cm, longer legs than most the other girls in her class. Her hair was long and healthy despite the many times the color had been stripped and dyed. Genetics, she guessed. Her eyes were naturally the parallel lids that every girl coveted. It wasn’t that she wasn’t pretty. Her smile was gorgeous and she had an air of gracefulness about her. It was just that she wasn’t good enough for him.

Woo Sung Hyun, 177 cm, blond hair that suited him well. The object of every female’s obsession and attraction. In short, perfection. He was top of the class. Every step, every turn, perfection. There was no such thing as “mistakes” in his person.

She remembered transferring to this school, tired and sick of all these “mistakes” in her life. It had been a long week. A long month. A long year. Full of fighting for her, reminding herself that it would get better, it would get better. She lost her steps, she messed up.

It’s cliché to say so, but it was like he was sunshine in her life. Surrounded by his group of boys, it was like he was an untouchable perfection. But when she was knocked down…

“Are you okay? Are you new here? I’m Sunghyun.”

She remembered stuttering out some unimportant sentence or two. Unable to speak, because of his perfection. Cliché as it was, call it love at first sight.

As imperfect as everything else in her life, the pain of being alone where no one understood her. The divorce trials, the change, the absence of what love was. She knew that he alone would be that perfection.

There was more than one time where she felt she could be called “saved” by him. The roof- that was one.

“What are you doing here by yourself… here’s my shoulder.”

Or that time after school.

“Who do you think you are? Pick yourself up, for once in your life think of someone other than yourself.”

It was because of him that she picked herself up, turned herself around and became like that again. Sunlight. Previously caught within the rainy days of her life, she found sunshine to find her way again.

Naturally sunlight isn’t something to be touched, something as warm as that. Something as perfect as that. A distance she couldn’t fill, she could only stand back in appreciation of all that sunlight did for her.

“Somebody take me away, somebody take me away. Cause I can’t take this pain.”

“I love that song, you know?”And you.

“Thank you.” A polite smile.

Politeness, that’s all it was. Strangers, with the decency to be polite. Manners. Nothing more. It would hurt to hope for more at something that didn’t make sense.

Song Hyo Rim snapped back to the present. No reason to be hoping for something that didn’t exist. Wouldn’t exist. She focused once again on her steps.

Left. Right. Step. Turn.

She could get as close to perfection as possible, for now. She felt the beats pound into the floor, music filling the room, her feet becoming lighter and lighter with every step, with every turn her movements more fluid.

She felt a gentle tap on her wrist, one of the underclassmen. She considered the red haired individual. One of the other small pieces of sunlight. Not shining nearly as bright as Sunghyun, but shining none the less.

He was saying something to her, lost in the sound of the music. She stopped, reading his lips.

Follow me.

He grabbed her wrist, leading her away.

She walked through the white halls, into a white room with a white grand piano. There was a tentative note played on the piano. It blended into a soft intro. Then a familiar voice sounded from behind the piano.

She knew the words well. Even if the world turned its back on her and disowned her. She wouldn’t be afraid.

“Because you’re by my side, I know exactly what you’d say. Somebody take me away. Somebody take me away. I want to take you away.”

Love in which the girl soaked in rainwater; the sorrow was all taken away by the sunlight.

This is the love story of Woo Sung Hyun and Song Hyo Rim.

--------------------------------

Sort of an intro of sorts. Whee. Let's see if I can commit to writing this 11 part piece. Probably not. LOL. I'm inconsistent like that. I'm so rusty on writing it's disgusting. Hopefully it gets better from here and not worse. It's probably cause I haven't written anything plotful in a while. LOL. PWP all day long.

If you haven't figured out yet I think this is considered fanfiction. This is probably the only time I'll be writing something FandomXOC. Cause I hate it. But I felt that it fit better rather than me doing some yaoi with KiseopXKevin. LOLOLOL. ALL DAY LONGGG. I TELL YOU.

Nah instead I decided to express my uhh... ideals into well. KDRAMA FORM. Read it as a Kdrama.

*Woo Sung Hyun is Kevin Woo.... If you haven't made the connection, that's his real name. His Korean name.

* I've taken artistic liberties, so I guess you can say it's more of an AU thing. I DON'T CAAAAAAAAARE. They're gonna be in school cause I want them to be in school. I think they're in college. Like an performing arts school college. So it's like Dream High meets reality sort of thing. I'm trying to have it ring true in terms of character.

*Red haired guy = Dongho. I took everyone with my favorite look... I haven't decided if the rest of the group will be Hoon and AJ or Xander and Kibum. I don't think it matters. I DON'T THINK WE'LL HAVE ANY OTHER CAMEOS. LOL.

*Song Hyo Rim is a figment of my imagination. Don't hate.
------
Yeah it's short cause.. it's an intro. So screw off. xD

麗 ☆

구미호.

2011-09-06T23:37:00.000-05:00

Just a reminder that dramas ring true into reality. There still is that OTHER guy. That isn't part of the one true pairing. Yup. And everyone rips on them and hates them. Until obviously, they get to be the main character. But hey. Many stars die down and well... die before they get anything of the sort. #futureoldcatwoman.

Don't be that other guy.

麗 ★

오빠.

2011-09-06T00:06:00.002-05:00

오빠, 오빠, 사해랑.

Top 10 Kdrama Staples.

1. The piggyback ride.
2. The wrist grabbing.
3. Illness, sickness, CANCER. ALL AROUND.
4. We might be related?!
5. DRUNK PEOPLE. EVERYWHERE.
6. Chaebols + poor girls = Cinderella story! (and notice all the chaebols that seem to be in plenty... are all HOTEL OWNERS?!)
7. Amnesia. Just... RANDOMLY.
8. Hills. EVERYWHERE. Especially in accordance to piggyback ride scenes...
9. Tripping/slippery substances everywhere...
10. Everyone is always showering, and everyone doesn't lock the door when they shower. Or they forget their clothings.... WTF. IS THIS NORMAL FOR SHOWERING BEHAVIOR?

麗 ☆

散場的擁抱.

2011-08-30T23:34:00.001-05:00

THIS SONG IS SO SAD. FJSODIJFISOD.

------------------

不想告訴你我的感覺
只想假裝擁有愛的溫暖
說不出口，但也不想你離開我
為了等你最後的擁抱。

麗 ★

Denial.

2011-08-23T23:31:00.001-05:00

It's funny. Cause I'm saying it right now. But my mind can't seem to wrap around that it applies. Right now. Holy poop. I hate denial situations so much. And then once you get over it. It's like. Oh. That's too bad. No one freaking cares except now that's all you can think about. 잘했군.

麗 ★

You like it when Girls/Guys...

2011-08-21T22:47:00.001-05:00

I've had way too much fun reading these. I'm now gonna share and you know... GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY?!

So as it is. I'm not a guy so I can only observe what I see from the 11 pages I read. xD

1. Food. Guys love it when you give them food cause it shows you're thinking of them apparently. Extra brownie points when you make it yourself. It apparently doesn't have to be absolutely delectable, but just edible is fine. It's the thought that counts. (HAHA... SO SWEET <3)
2. When you show genuine interest in what they talk about.
3. When you know when to talk and when to shut up. (LOL. I like that... in all human beings... xD)
4. When girls look pretty.
5. Hugs from the back. Guys apparently really like that.
6. When they're allowed to play with the girl's hair (THUS THE LIKE FOR LONG HAIR...?!)
7. Hair flips. A must learn skill apparently, right after cooking. LOLOL.
8. Cute motions, like cute sneezes, genuine cluelessness... cute voice when they're sleepy
9. When girls take initiative. Don't always have to do everything.
10. When girls fight for the bill cause it's the thought that counts even though guys don't mind paying.
11. Smiling. Guys like girls who smile. (I've seen this myself. TRUEFACT.)
12. Natural looking makeup. (I don't know that guys know... "NATURAL LOOKING" make up. But uhh... It's been mentioned lots. xD)
13. When girls wear the guy's clothing.
14. Blushing/ shy girls (The shy part is debatable...) But guys like girls who blush apparently. xD huh.
15. Can hold interesting conversations. A given.
16. Some guys like whiny girls, some guys hate whiny girls. But a lot of them like the whiny ones. This explains all things in the world. xD

Let's go on to the other side of things... HAHA. I AM A GIRL. SO THIS IS GONNA BE LONGER. AND A LOT EASIER TO LIST...

1. I like when guys remember things, I find it really sweet if it's something I offhandedly say, but they remember. Like if I say oh this this this is my favorite drink and the next time we hang out they buy it without me saying anything it's like... <3~ This is SOOOO sweet.
2. When guys don't kill conversations, one or two word answers = ): Long texts/ conversations/ IMs = <3
3. Guys who appreciate things you do for them. I feel like there's a lot of work you put into a lot of things, especially girls who make domestic things. Dude. Making anything doesn't take 1-2 hours. I takes at least 1-2 days. Depending on what it is. If it looks like there's been effort put into it, it means A LOT of effort has been put into it. Appreciate it! Or like... dressing nice. Dressing nice is kinda a pain sometimes and guys sometimes don't appreciate it when it's done for them. I obviously do not have the time or energy to do my hair for 4 hours everyday -_-. I have better things to do!
4. Lol. I like it being piggy-backed or carried. But I guess this only works when I'm tight with you. Or if I feel comfy. I hate it when people know how much I weigh
5. Omg. This is really a specific situation. But I like it when guys think for you, like when they let you walk on the inside of a street so it's more safe. :)
6. I like surprises/effort/spontaneousness. When it looks like you did something special, just for me.
7. I like it when guys initiate stuff. xD Some guys are such pussies nowadays. Do not like.
8. When guys will play games with me! :) Play with me! Even if I am a girl! >:I I'm not fragile!
9. I do like it when guys occasionally allow me to win, obviously not in a obvious manner, that's lame. I mean the girl will know you're allowing us to win, but if it's obvious it's lame. Haha.
10. When guys don't get touchy feely with EVERY SINGLE FREAKING GIRL. Control yourselves! Learn to think with your brains, not the downstairs of yo' body!
11. When they'll genuinely care and listen about what I have to say when I'm being serious or if I'm upset. I obviously don't expect them to listen to every single complaint I have, but if I'm genuinely so... like if it's something that I probably can't just suck up and get over by myself. It'd be nice.
12. When guys hug me when I'm crying. Haha. Like one of those they don't see your face kinda hugs. When they kinda just bury you in them. I also just like hugs in general.
13. When they don't mind it when you don't dress up. They think you're pretty without makeup and just wearing sweats and a shirt or something haha.
14. When guys have a good sense of humor. Not necessarily dirty and nasty all the time, (can be sometimes though. I mean. I understand, you're guys. xD And plus I'm not all that delicate myself) but yeah I like guys who make me laugh or can cheer me up when I'm sad!
15. Not acting like a jerk around his friends. Haha. I get it, guys have this manly man thing. But seriously. I'm not yo' bitch just cause you're trying to show off to your buds.
16. When guys can be like "Yeah, that's my girlfriend :)". Holding hands in public... etc. x3.
17. I like it when guys play with my hair... I feels nice... AS LONG AS THEIR HANDS ARE CLEAN I GUESS. O_O.
18. Oh! I like guys who smell good. :) I have a habit of smelling people. I guess I just like people who smell good xD
19. Good mornings and goodnights. Those are the best. xD Like it doesn't even have to be the guy I like. Those people are just so sweet and brighten up my day. +1 to Alan Deitz.
20. I like it when I take a nap, but have to wake up at a certain time so they offer to wake me up and do it. Haha. I mean I guess you get the plus of talking to me when I'm sleepy. Apparently I'm hysterical... >_<
21. When they take time off of doing something they like (*cough* LEAGUE OF LEGENDS, STARCRAFT, COD, WATCHING PORN.... WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU CHILDREN DO) to just spend time with me. xD Haha. Like texting/ IMing/ actually doing something is all good.
22. Actually talk with me about something. I know you gotta be the manly man, but honestly I know you guys aren't all manly mans. Haha, just trust me kay?
23. Guys are really cute when they smile. :) I really like cute guys. I'll admit. xD Manly man guys, not my thing. Although I do like bad boys though I guess. Haha.
24. xD Comforts me when I'm scared. I'm hella scared of like everything. Clowns, dolls, horror movies. I avoid them as a general rule, but it's a whole lot better when I'm not alone in my scaredness.
25. Sweet talkers are the best. Haha. Flirting is ok, even if I don't like them I guess. As long as it doesn't progress beyond that unless they're actually for reals. I hate uncommitted guys who send mixed messages. BAAAAD. Yeah. Compliments are nice. xD Girls are as a rule of thumb pretty self-conscious about how they look...
26. Really thoughtful guys. Haha. Like helping old people, being good to kiddies. Haha. So sweet.

LOL. I'M TOTALLY DONE. But I could rant forever. I'm one of those future Kdrama script writers.

麗 ☆

Être.

2011-08-13T16:36:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I'm feeling oddly sentimental and lonely.

But I have this amazing conviction on my heart where I don't just want to be a whisper of a person. I want to be someone who will stay forever. Sometimes I wish I were that beautiful creature who sneezes and a photo is taken and it's transcendent, it's art. I wish I were that person who says a word and a whole assembly of people are moved to tears because my words pierce through the heart because they're so well spoken, so true, and they can hear that in their hearts.

My imperfections within my perfectionist image.

Everything can be covered up, whether it's with a simple stick of concealer, the most basic of covering up. Swabbing a stick back and forth across your face, covering up any imperfections. Words that are said, that don't mean a thing to me, yet sound intelligent, sound loving, sound caring, sound like perfection. My imperfections within my own life, my own actions can be driven away by lies, tellings of stories with modifications so slight you don't know they exist, because once again... You don't know who I am.

Just some ramblings of my inner mind.

麗 ★

Savior.

2011-08-07T21:37:00.000-05:00

You save me time and time again.

Every single time I feel like I can't do it on my own anymore I just have to remember never once was I ever alone.

Because You alone are faithful, always faithful.

So I was to sing my praises to You-shout them to You. I want to live my life as worship, glorifying Your name.

This summer I compartmentalized You so much and I am so sorry; I want to just recommit my whole life and heart to You.

Please hear me from Heaven.

麗 ☆

A/N: X-posted from refreshed.

How-to: CAMWHORE?

2011-08-02T12:27:00.002-05:00

Basically the only thing I know how to do... somewhat well. :) A skill I take great pride in.

Background info: ---> The learning process?

As y'all know, you can't be an exemplary camwhore from the day you are born, it is indeed like anything else, a learned skill. As you know with this, it's all practice makes perfect. Basically you take a lot of pictures in A LOT of different angles until you know which angles you look good in. Yes, this also means you don't take the same photo from the same emo angle all day everyday. When you want to do something well, you also tend to consult the professionals. As for professional selca, you don't really look in magazines and look at pro pictures, because without proper lighting tools, a nice DSLR, some nice photoshopping, pro make up the effect probably WILL NOT look like that of the magazine. My own personal preference? I look at pictures of ulzzang. (WOOT. A PROUD ULZZANG WANNABE~) Look at your own favorite ulzzang, my personal favorites are Park Yong Hee, Junal, Mikki and Komi. You don't just look at them and leave it at "Oh, they're pretty". Heck yeah they are, but how do they take pictures that make them look that way? It's a given that most of them have nice features, but you can actually manipulate your own pictures with make up and photoshop anyway. For example, Mikki? She had the reputation of always liquidizing herself on photoshop, making herself even more skinny (Like. Scarily stick skinny.) Personally what I find most important are always angles, your picture most likely will look terrible if you take it from the bottom up angles. They make everyone look fat -_-".

Rules ---> Some self made guidelines!

Lighting - When you take pictures ALWAYS take pictures with good lighting, and redo your white balance every time. The best kind of light is natural light. White lights are acceptable, but yellow lights are the worst. And there needs to be ADEQUATE lighting. When you're in a dim room taking photos your skin appears worse, and the colors tend to look off as well. And never take the picture against the light, most people stand IN THE LIGHT and take it from the darker side. Nope. You take it from the light side to the dark side. But be careful not to be blocking your own light.
Angles - Try to use different ones! But ones that make you look flattering. As a general rule of thumb, if you go from a little bit up down, you'll look skinnier, but remember not to over do it, cause then you look unnaturally like a chibi person, big head, tiny body. AWKWARD. And never do it from the bottom up. I have yet to find someone who looks flattering in that angle. I personally do a lot of 3/4ths view pictures. Especially from my left side, my left side looks a lot better.
Don't force it - Basically all this means is, IT'S A LOT EASIER TO TAKE THE PICTURE IF YOU ALREADY LOOK GOOD THAT DAY. If you force it in the sense where you're taking pictures when your hair is whack, your face looks like you've been through a car crash it MOST likely won't turn out fantastic.
Watch your facial expression - Sometimes people get all caught up in the angles and stuff that they forget about their facial expression and then you end up looking like @w@... or something odd like that. Also, some facial expressions I find just don't work on people. *cough* Sometimes I look at some expressions and I'm like... why are you doing this. xD I recommend no weird mouth half open expressions. Also, if you want your eyes to look larger, it's usually easier to just tilt your head downward slightly, or change the angle rather than opening your eyes super big all the way, you can do that, but do it with a grain of salt, because when you open your eyes huge your eyebrows tend to furrow and then... it looks like you have wrinkles, and it'll give you premature wrinkles anyway o:!
Clothings/Wear/Make up - Okay. This is the nit picky things that you tend to be able to change more easily. When you wear clothings you have to realize they make you look a certain way. (And this is all toward the idea of fashion and what not.) Horizontal stripes? They'll make you look fatter. No exceptions. Pin stripes? Like the vertical kind? Make you look skinnier. MOST LIKELY, if you wear a color like yellow, it'll throw off your skin tone (I'm usually assuming that people who read this are Asian.) And then there's the obvious, white + lighter colors = fatter, black + darker colors = skinnier. T-shirts make you look flat, for obvious reasons. When you take your pictures I also recommend that your bangs are out of your eyes, your eyes are a crucial part of your photo, and unless you really are trying to make that "emo" look, I suggest that they're mostly out of your eyes (it's also nice to let them fall just naturally... xD). Make up, for make up, unless you're taking macro pictures, it probably won't show up as much unless it's at least somewhat darker. Doesn't have to be super dark... but yeah. If you're wearing circle lenses, for some odd reason the color doesn't turn out the same as when you're looking at it yourself, in my experience it's mostly the lighting.
Photoshop - This is just how I do things, it's worked out pretty nice for me usually, but it might be different for you depending on your pictures and your features. Usually when I photoshop I worry about my imperfections first. SPOT HEALING TOOL. Best thing ever. To make my skin look even smoother, (and usually it makes me look paler, but if you want to look tan I'd advise you against this) I usually set a nice lighter curve, and set it to Soft Light. Then I tend to change the colors. The colors, I usually just do according to whatever I want, like sometimes I like to change my eye color or something like that. But the whites, blacks and neutrals are the most important. The whites, setting it darker tends to even out your skin tone if the lighting in the picture is a bit odd, setting it whiter makes you look... well whiter. Neutrals tend to determine how shadows look on your picture, I tend to set it darker, just because my pictures tend to be a lot lighter already because I use natural light. Blacks, I have really dark because I like my hair blacker, and it also usually makes your pupil look larger (thus larger eyes) and it also makes your make up and eyelashes show up more. You can set it to hard or soft light or leave it as is depending on how you like it. Depending on the picture I do other different things like you can do the typical photoshop photoshop where you set textures use brushes or what not. But normally I will do a solid fill of a lightish gray color and set it to either Overlay or Soft Light, then set the opacity so that it doesn't look actually noticably grayish. It's just to again, even out skin tones and the picture. If you want that soft effect that I have on some of my pictures, you can set it to Screen and then you'll have a whitish soft layer and you can set the opacity to how you like.

So yeah, that's just how I do things. :) This concludes my explanation fun. LOL.

Before:

After:

~~~~~~~

Ohohoho. Some camwhoring fun.

Example of bad lighting : Causes you to edit the crap outta your pictures

Example of picture with make up

麗 ☆

PS: Some tips and tricks.

Mirrors are nice, taking a picture with a mirror to help you angle and help you watch your expression is extremely helpful
Windows are nice too, the bigger the better, the more light. :)
Some people do this, I do not cause I'm too lazy. But you can tape a backdrop of a solid color when you take pictures to make the background look nicer. (Tip courtesy of Nicole Chan)
If you can't keep your hand steady, or if you want to do something with your body/hands... THERE IS A TIMER FOR A REASON!!!
Boxes. Boxes are nice for a makeshift tripod if you do not own one.

Ugly.

2011-07-31T05:56:00.000-05:00

Why am I this ugly
What must I do for me to be able to smile brightly like you?
I’m getting angry again, why can’t I ever be perfect
I simply put the blame on my ugly appearance in this broken mirror
Don’t look at me, I hate this feeling right now
I want to hide away somewhere, I want to escape

xD Why is this song so relatable for most girls? It's actually really sad... xD GUHH. I'll admit I tear up a little bit with the lyrics ;w; SENTIMENTAL CHUMP I AM.

麗 ☆

Can't U See?

2011-07-27T16:29:00.002-05:00

Those cold words, those heartbreaking words
You always smiled and came running to embrace me
I wake up from my sleep melting away my bitter heart
Tears keep coming out

The thing is that, that was never who I was. I don't cry over stupid things. I don't smile and pretend to be happy just to make other people feel better. I don't say comforting words to be better than everyone else to you. I don't backstab my friends for something that doesn't even matter. I don't do that.

I avoid drama, I crack silly and sometimes inappropriate jokes. I wear whatever I want, I don't look pretty to impress anyone, I wear make up cause it's fun, cause it's an art. If I wanted to be a cake-faced, pretty, shallow, personality-less girl I would've done it a long time ago. So why start now?

This summer has been lots of fun, it wasn't like before where I'd just sit by myself and really have time to think and reflect. Although that had always been good for me, this is just as good. I've been figuring out parts of myself through interactions with other people. There's always gonna be that tiny voice in the back of my head that tells me how useless and how ugly and how fake I am behind my persona.

But I stopped to think... what if I've just changed? It's not me being more fun/flirty/better/calmer/girly anything like that. It's just change. It's inevitable. Every single time I become better, I attribute it to myself being fake. Because that tiny voice is always gonna be there, it's how I grew up. It's how I became me.

But honestly, this year, being around people who make me happy. Who can say how much I've changed?

麗 ☆

Nothing more.

2011-07-22T23:51:00.001-05:00

There is absolutely nothing more I could want right now. Today's been perfect and that's the funny thing about perfection. With it, you won't need or want anything more.

That's what it's like to experience it. You realize that there are so many unnecessary things pulling you down, be that insults, put-downs or a constant need to please. It's all of that and more, in the sense that there's so many social norms you continuously need to fulfill.

If you're a girl you have to remain pretty, interesting and amusing all the time.

If you're a guy you need to be a gentleman, understanding all the while being charming and witty the whole time.

It's all of that.

But with perfection, none of that is needed.

麗 ☆

Identity.

2011-07-10T21:53:00.000-05:00

I don't actually think it'll matter. There's so little people who make me feel like I have purpose. There's so little people that I consider myself not an annoyance to. There's so little people that I'll think I'll ever be irreplaceable to. Memories and all that, nice and stuff, something that gets me hung up on it. But when it comes down to that, I'm the only one who will remember. And that's just who I am, that's my identity. I'll remember, goods and bads. I won't ever forget someone. If it's someone I love, I won't forget them. I won't ever throw anyone away. I'll hoard up everyone like precious little gems, until they fill my heart so full it bursts.

麗 ★

Antisocial.

2011-07-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

I don't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything. It's probably because I just feel crappy. Maybe my period's coming, but I doubt it. It's just that I don't feel like anyone's particularly inclined to hang with me except for a few select people. And those are the only select people I want to talk to, hang out with or even put up with. Yup. I'm getting into one of those ruts where I just don't want to see anyone ever and just hang out with my anime, kdrama and mangas o:!

麗 ★

回到原地.

2011-07-05T21:14:00.000-05:00

"The length of time it takes for this bus to go through its route and return to its original stop is exactly one hour. So after that hour, my heart will return to its original state. But for just this one hour, let me love you."

已經沒有感覺了。

麗 ☆

Nowhere.

2011-07-03T00:13:00.000-05:00

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be anything. I don't want to stay home. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to do well. I don't want to have expectations. This is going nowhere. I just want this fucking summer to be over already. This place is prison with the nicer name of "home".

麗 ★

Seething.

2011-07-01T23:50:00.000-05:00

That's me in everything. I rage too much, but in a seething type of way, where I just rage and don't yell or do anything. But that's just it, I won't do anything. So if you're dying in LoL... Well that's too bad. 8D I ain't gonna W for you. I ain't gonna slow for you. Hell. I ain't gonna even go over there even if I'm close to you. Heck I'll go jungle :)

Fuck you.

麗 ☆

你到底在期待什麼？

2011-06-26T18:41:00.000-05:00

What are you waiting for?

麗 ★

Traitor.

2011-06-25T12:02:00.000-05:00

Apparently now being a traitor doesn't just extend to people I don't really care about. My supposed best friend from since I was born. Allegedly we're supposed to back each other up, and at some time I felt like my motivation came from trying to be different from her, but my heart still swelled with pride when someone told me I was like her. And when people said that I was smarter than her I got angry, she's not just average, or not smart. Not at all, she is and was a lot better than me with people, always. And is better at thinking logically. I don't understand people, nor do I want to I realize.

But now that she's a traitor, it just hurts.

麗 ★

想太多。

2011-06-23T22:25:00.000-05:00

What does this mean...? This I ponder.

Just passing time as LoL updates. xD

.... And now I'm in queue. SIGH. 3 minute wait? SO LONG.

Not as long as some other waits though. Waits that don't yield any fruit.

Oh. So this is what false hope feels like.

麗 ☆

別管我。

2011-06-23T19:56:00.000-05:00

隨你便就好了吧。我已經管不著你想做的事了。

麗 ★

I don't even know why it crossed my mind that you'd actually be interested enough to talk about me. Lol. Whatever. I'm excited for the LoL tourney, even if I'm not gonna do jack.

사랑한단 말 못해

2011-06-22T21:03:00.000-05:00

There's so many things I feel like I can't say. It's not even just that, it's just I don't know how people think of me and as a result of that I'm hesitant to say a lot of things. I just feel like I already am not very close to really anyone except for some select people (like one select person...) sometimes. It doesn't matter how much effort I put into someone. It's always like that one "Treat others like how you want to be treated", but that never works. Not when no one cares and no one will care. It's really evident, really glaringly evident. I know people are always complaining about people being "annoying" or "stalkers" or "clingy" or whatever. But it just means at least they care about you and what you're doing, how you're doing. It's not even a bad thing, it's actually probably rather flattering.

Maybe the only reason why I think about it this way is because that's abnormal for me. Maybe to everyone else it's nothing special, not something that actually is worth mentioning or worth thinking about or being happy about. Maybe I'm the only stupid person that spends my time getting happy over nothing.

麗 ★

Beef Cubes.

2011-06-19T17:29:00.000-05:00

Delish. Yummy. Love it.

What I don't love however is being the only one who tries. If I never text you, you'll never even think of texting me. If I don't IM you, we'll never talk. If I never see you or initiate conversation with you, that's just it, we'll never talk. I absolutely despise people like this. They'll only give you a portion of their efforts if you invest all of yours into them. I mean, it's okay when you use the excuse "Oh, I don't want to bother you" a couple of times, but when I talk to you every single freaking day shouldn't you start getting it into your head that I, yes, might in fact, want to talk to you? Nope. Instead conversation gets killed by your hand. Funny, the opposite effect that creates.

And then what's more I hate fair weather friends, the friends that only talk to you when they have problems and you're able to help them, or if you're at a party and you're having fun with everyone else and they just wanna be all up in this, so they pretend to be your biffle. It's like... back off bitch! Who do you think you are! Do I even know you?

And what's even more confusing is horrible thunderstorming, blizzarding, meteors hitting earth-ing friends. They're only friends with you when you're crying and upset. In normal circumstance they never want to talk to you, but in the circumstance when they can seem like they're such a good person in front of everyone else they'll talk to you, hold your hand, and shh at you as you sob. It honestly is really confusing. They don't care enough to know "what's wrong" or follow up afterward, but in the moment, they'll pretend to be a Samaritan. It's quite odd really.

And then there are the people who are your "friends", yet choose to ignore you even when everything is obvious. When you just feel like dying, and everything around you is following apart... Well. They'll just keep ignoring it. And when you bring it up with them, or hint at it, they'll just pretend to be stupid. Yups. These types of people.

Oh yeah. I'm a complaining bitch, but I'm a complaining bitch who's pretty consistent. As in... it's in my nature to hit up people when I want to talk to them, it's in my nature to want to talk to people, it's in my nature to not kill conversations, it's in my nature to follow up on people if they're having a bad time. It's in my nature to actually not IDGAF at everything in life because I think I'm cool.

麗 ★

Of Princes and Fairytales.

2011-06-18T22:50:00.000-05:00

Let's just stare at him a bit longer...

<3 Yukina Kou... he's a prince.

It's quite odd, but somehow Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi motivates me to want a boyfriend more than any non-shounen-ai/ yaoi manga ever has. I think it's just... Yukina is so... <3. And Yuu is so... <3... and... Hatori is so... <3... *flails around in a circle*

To many pretty boys at once. That's the awesome thing about a shounen-ai :). And I'm writing canon even if I'm writing yaoi. LOL.

*flails around some more*

I watched The Ugly Truth today. And yeah I'm one of those control-freak chicks with a checklist. Not actually. But kinda. In a way. But things don't happen like they do in shojo manga do they? Oh well. Some nice shojo manga is always good to get me out of a depressed rut, especially if they have hot 2-d males who will never let me down in them.

I'm still just one of those little girls who is daydreaming about being treated like a princess, or a queen. Haha. But in reality, dates = just an excuse to look pretty for a day and pretend to be pretty. And if I were to be in a relationship, I'd become a weird scary version of myself, my throat would start constricting, the walls would start throbbing and I'd have a theoretical emotional peanut allergy. Actually. No, I probably wouldn't but I like.. worship the ground that No Strings Attached stands on.

Ahh... so cute <3... I was like "D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"-ing over this scene for like 2 minutes. I watched it like 50 times. Too cute. Too cute. <3... and he's an art student... Yukina's just perfection in the form of 2-D characters. Which perfection tends to come in. He's a prince.

I'm not the only one who thinks so. As quoted from a really reliable source from a post in "fuckyeahsekaiichihatsukoi". Yukina makes us all feel like we're beyond redemption. Haha. <3 He's so dreamy~

/gushgush.

麗 ☆

Dating Standards.

2011-06-17T23:02:00.000-05:00

1. Affirmation, to be loved, to feel like there's not something wrong with me.
2. Erryday.
3. Erryday. One hour is good. Minimum.
4. Uhh... anywhere from 2-10 hours feels good. I think. :\
5. 11:00 PM
6. Eating/Feasting, Gaming, Playing sports, Talking, Walking, Shopping, Driving?, Camwhoring, Board gamesing?, Chilling?
7. .____. ... Re-evaluation?
8. Probs badly at first LOL.
9. Yes, definitely, it wouldn't be very IDK. Legit. Or anything. And it would not be very Christ-centered.
10. Kissing? Smash his face in? Render him useless by kicking him in the balls?
11. More with others. Probs. LOL.
12. Consistency, trustworthiness, respect, acceptance, thoughtfulness

麗 ☆

My Boy - Secret

2011-06-16T22:52:00.000-05:00

My boy
Ooh, My boy

Like you, I also felt something the moment I first saw you
It looks like you fell in an illusion
it's like you came back to me again in a breath
Disappointed in myself, I broke, I became unable to escape

My boy, day by day, in time, now I don't have any more tears
In my own precious memories, now I hate my one-sided love
I realized that you're in my heart forever, my boy
My boy, my boy

From now on, I'm tired inside my painful appearance
Even if its just for a day, I hope to be happy
I couldn't say, I chose you for the same reasons you chose her
Because I loved him so much, forgive me, I couldn't erase you

My boy, day by day, in time, now I don't have any more tears
In my own precious memories, now I hate my one-sided love
I realized that you're in my heart forever, my boy
My boy, my boy

As I walk down the street a dozen times, I think of your gesturesWhere are you, brightly smiling?Now that you're part of my realityIt'd be good to you if I disappeared like dust

But you know, you have to know, don't you know, I've pushed you like a fallen domino
Still, if I see someone who looks like you, my heart races
I spend sleepless nights with my eyes closed
Even today, I'm awake countless nights to send you away

While you look at me, you looked at me shaking
Now I want to tell you, I love you more than that

My boy, day by day, in time, now I don't have any more tears
In my own precious memories, now I hate my one-sided love
I realized that you're in my heart forever, my boy
My boy, my boy, my boy, boy, boy, my boy

-------------
New blog song. New favorite song mayhaps. ): I'm like crying while I listen to this song...IT'S SO SAD... SO RELATABLE? WHY

麗 ☆

家族

2011-06-16T20:54:00.000-05:00

Shut the hell up. I don't want to hear what you have to say. I'll do what I fucking want for my fucking future. Because if I have it my way you'll have no part in it. I don't give a damn or a hell if you raised me up, cause if that's the case, I'll just "raise you" until you're dead. It's fair right? Cause your bullshit with "so and so says whatever the hell that's negative that you just want to say to me but don't have the fucking guts to do so" is getting old and you should just shut up while you're ahead. Cause I don't give a damn or a hell what they think either, if they think I'm a spoiled little brat then... Ok. I don't give a shit. They can take all their stupid thoughts and criticisms and shove it up their asses. Cause guess what.

I. Don't. Fucking. Care.

And you need to stop pretending to be so high and mighty all the time cause no one gives a fuck if you're a mom, or a "responsible" adult. Because you don't know shat about me. You should stop pretending that you do and trying to fit me into "Oh you're just a retarded adolescent who just rebels because you're dumb and not because I have no life and feel like messing with yours for funsies". Yeah. There's just no fucking reason for why I do what I do.

And plus, it's summer. So just calm your balls and sit back and let me have fun or else I'll fucking give you as much sass as I fucking want.

麗 ★

Within a second of a difference.

2011-06-15T21:01:00.000-05:00

Wanna be your love

男人嘛，就不會去想

女人嘛，就想太多了

男人嘛，就不知道自己心是如何

女人嘛，心就只會充滿羨慕的心情

羨慕來，羨慕去

到了最後就被拉著團團轉

不知如何是好

到最後是只會心痛的！

Within a second of a difference.

All those moments, they don't and won't mean a thing.

麗 ★

Suck it and blow me a big one.

2011-06-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

I might just be a passive aggressive bitch kay? What you gonna do about it? Nothing. Fuck you. Fuck this.

I'll be as unhappy, bitchy, passive aggressive, angry, vulgar and just a fucking BAMF kay?

Ughhh. So annoying. So annoying. SO FUCKING ANNOYING. DAMMIT.

麗 ★

Necessity.

2011-06-12T13:27:00.000-05:00

There's so many things that went on recently that my priorities completely changed. Somehow down the line I realized it- infatuation, pleasing other people in everything I do, having to think about how others will think of me every time I do something- not needed.

Although I have no understanding of why recently we've been having seminars about dating and relationships during church as of recent, but it's really brought me to examine my relationships with people. One of the questions asks what's your primary reason for even wanting to be in a relationship, and one reason popped up in my head straight away, reassurance.

Basically I'm a person that finds my worth in what others think or say about me, which is really bad, and really frustrating. It seems as though this issue keeps being a part of my life, and has really provoked/convicted me to think about it. Meh. Oh well. I guess I'm not as cynical about it as I was before where I think/thought only things that mattered would be other's opinions of me and that I had no other worth otherwise.

I'll just keep thinking...

麗 ☆

Bitch.

2011-06-06T18:37:00.000-05:00

God damn bitch. No one likes you, no one gives a fuck what you think. Just get out of my face already. I hate you. Just go die cause you’re old senile and all you do is yell at me, slap me, beat me up and think it’s fun. Well if you can’t deal with taking care of another human life, then don’t fucking have children, because you’re just irresponsible. So get the hell away from me cause I never want to talk to you either. If you think my attitude is bad every time you talk to me, then don’t fucking talk to me. After all that’s exactly why I don’t talk to you, bitch. You should look at yourself in the mirror and if you think you the great understanding and generous person you think you are, then you’re deathly wrong. You can be as generous and as understanding as you want to people who don’t fucking matter, but when it comes to your family all you know how to do is just bullshit your way through your relationship. You don’t treat anyone with respect, and you expect others to respect you. I don’t fucking care if I came to this world through your fucking womb, it’s something shameful to be related to you, brought up by you, with your “values” and shit. Rather than having you as a mother, I’d rather have no fucking mother. Fuck you bitch, fuck you.

麗 ★

Unwell.

2011-06-01T16:50:00.000-05:00

Can't do anything well today. Today's been so long and so upsetting. I don't get to see you all everyday and it's hard to remember that I do indeed belong somewhere when I don't see you guys as often as I see all the other people I don't fit in with. It's simple really. We don't like the same things, we don't have anything to talk about. Everyone has someone/something else on their mind too. And I've done nothing but alienate all those people farther away. Basically anyone who doesn't try gets pushed away, I got really sick and tired of trying so hard and then just people leaving me out, feeling like I didn't belong because I didn't get any of the inside jokes either. So it's meh. It's just that feeling that maybe even when people are including you, you still don't quite belong.

I love the people I do belong with, but as a result, I feel the need to see them all the time. And most of the time that doesn't happen unless if I just give up on everything else to see them often. And I know that my future = ultimately more important. But it's just a battle between wants and needs. So meh.

麗 ★

Where are we now?

2011-05-31T20:11:00.001-05:00

This picture is so cute. :)... I actually had an idea for this blogpost. BUT LOL. This picture is too cute.

麗 ★

Feelings.

2011-05-31T16:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I get alleged heartbreak and heartache over things that don't matter. I should stop. I really should. And I should stop getting moved over things that aren't genuine or real either. This weekend has been... not too much of a good thing necessarily. But too much confusion all at once...

I'm stupid, and I get fooled easily. This is why I don't do crap like.... This.

I go up and down in accordance to you, and that's just dumb. Cause you don't care, and you won't ever care. And I don't want my mood, feelings and how I treat others go according to you. You're nobody. And I shouldn't keep thinking you'll start being someone.

麗 ★

만만하니

2011-05-29T16:34:00.000-05:00

Am I that-that easy?
Is love that easy to you?
Our memories seem easy to you?
Is everything easy for you?

:) I love U-Kiss <3 Hehe. And this song.

麗 ★

Freaking. DAMMIT.

2011-05-29T11:24:00.001-05:00

FJSDOIFJOSDSDFJDOFJSDIOFDISFODSJFOIDJF
ODJSOFJDOFJDSOFODIJFODSFDJSFOIDFIDJFODSJFOIDJFO
DSJFIJDSOFJDSIFOSFJDSOIFJDSOFJSODFJDO
SFIDOSFJSDOIJFDOSFJI
DSOFJDSIFODSJFOISDFIDOSFJISOJDFDSJFISDJO
FJDSIFJSOFJSDOFJODSFJIDS.

AGAIN FREAKING AGAIN. I'M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. IF I COULD MOVE AND NOT FEEL PAIN ALL UP IN MY UTERUS. I'D KILL EVERYONE. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

Fuck fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck. JFGSODFJSD.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT HUH? WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND SAY THAT. DAMMIT. I'm going to fucking go and kick some puppies. DAMMIT.

麗 ★

Fanfiction.

2011-05-26T23:27:00.002-05:00

I started writing them again. Including ani-manga ones. Not just Jrock no more. Plot bunnies glore. >:D It's time to let out some stress!

My absolute passion besides Jrock pairings. Hitachiin twincest and KyouKao. AGHHHH. :) LOVE. In my perfect OHSHC world, there is an undeniable love triangle between Kyouya, Kaoru and Hikaru. And in that order. :) WITH KAORU SMASHED IN THE MIDDLE.

麗 ☆

PS: ^ I think that definitely is what I look like when I'm all up in there reading smuts. LOL.

Germination.

2011-05-25T22:45:00.000-05:00

So I'm studying bio right now. Or at least that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Thus the title being so... Bio oriented. But yeah. It's like I haven't seen you and you suddenly grew so much faster than me this year. You know who your friends are, you know what you want, experiences that have happened to you that haven't happened to me yet. It's pretty crazy. I always thought I was slightly more mature and saw you as someone I wanted to be able to take care of and protect and have the answers for if you ever wanted them.

It's not that I'm jealous, which is an odd feeling. It's just like a... "Oh, wow she's grown so much!" It's a happy sort of feeling that I feel like mothers would have for their children, or maybe from a sibling to another. It's that sort of feeling. And it's definitely something that makes me reflect more upon this year.

In attempts to grow up this year, I threw away all my dreams from before, called them "impossible" so I wouldn't keep chasing after them.

In attempts to become more loved, I became fake, pretended to be nice to everyone, called it "courtesy" and used it as a means to pat myself on the back thinking I'm a better person.

In attempts to love this year, I was pulled left and right towards whatever seemed promising, pretended to not see the fact that the likelihood of someone liking me for me was one in a million, called it a "mistake" and pretended I moved on from it, pretended that I didn't care, pretended that I was above everyone to create all this pointless drama.

In attempts to change my attitude, I became apathetic, rather didn't care, didn't look for sorries, just held it all in when I was actually really down, called it "maturing" and pretended to be untouchable and invincible the whole time.

In attempts to fit in, I found a new friend group, hung out with them and just partied all day long, not caring and turning a blind eye to how shallow some friendships made were, called it "moving on" and pretended to be satisfied with my inevitable lack of support still.

Basically I didn't grow at all this year. I just became whatever it is that I thought was better using means of lying to myself. Using means that I thought were ok, but inside I'm still that immature, hateful, awkward, outcast, untalented, unmotivated person that I always was. I'm just better at pretending now and finding more and more excuses to be so.

So as an analogy. I'm like a seed that won't germinate because it doesn't try hard enough. It doesn't grow anywhere, it falls on dead soil and won't make the effort to go else where, instead it gets stuck in a crack and pretends that it's now being planted and expects to grow. One day.

I'm not bitter, but it is bittersweet. It reminds me that while everyone else is working hard to be moving forward I'm merrily staying in the same place. My insecurities are the same, my concerns are the same, my faults are still the same, my flaws are still the same. Looking deep into where and who I am, I see that there's no change.

But I'm happy that you've grown into someone that now makes me feel rather small and feel that you're the one holding me. The one telling me "I got your back" although sometimes I'm soft hearted, you know what you want and you know what I should be doing. Once a in a while I need to stop and listen to you. You've grown, I haven't done anything.

麗 ★

Oh the irony.

2011-05-24T20:07:00.001-05:00

The ironic thing is that I never wanted too much from you in the first place. I don't think I've ever asked for too much, in fact I don't think I've ever asked for anything. Is it too much to ask for you to stop looking at yourself and looking elsewhere and to stop for a moment and smell the roses? The fact that for the one time I kept my expectations low, my hopes low, my need for results low that you still failed, still failed. Just shows that no one can ever be up to standard, so I'll stop trying to find someone that is. No one is up to that standard and if there was someone... Well they wouldn't exist anyway.

Gotta stop being unhappy over things I can't control, instead be happy for the unexpected surprises that come along the way.

麗 ☆

Old.

2011-05-22T00:25:00.000-05:00

I had fun catching up with old friends just talking about everything today. I miss this. I miss back when things weren't always only barely scratched on the surface. When I could actually talk. About anything. It wasn't like I was out to please or scared of how people would judge me. Or would say behind my back. This is nice. This really is.

麗 ☆

In Security.

2011-05-21T21:45:00.001-05:00

There are so many days I wish I were perfect to someone.

There are so many days where I wish I were at least not ugly, not fat, not an awkward height, not only complimented on my fashion sense, not awkward, not boring, not bland, not mean, not overbearing, not moody, not unattractive, not stupid, not useless, not insecure.

Sometimes people say that true beauty comes from the inside. But does that really help in this situation? Cause I'm ugly from the inside out.

I want to be beautiful.

I want to be loved.

麗 ★

Anti-climatic.

2011-05-18T18:36:00.000-05:00

This year started a bit too dramatic for my liking. But it also started off on a great note. (And yes, I have no clue why I'm saying "this year started" when we're almost at the half year marker...) It definitely started out with a lot of life changing events. I have a total and utterly different group of friends. Though I can say that we mostly all met through gaming (with the exception of Kelly and I who met through work/school, and Jason and I who met through Nicole's party) in hindsight, most of my best friendships were made in relation to gaming. Just look at everyone from Jchat. We all got together because of what? Because of Tales of Symphonia. So many things in my life came in relation to gaming (o: My first crush... What?) So all in all even though many people laugh at it. It's something sacred to me, because around the same time I met them this year... last year was just terrible.

My BEST FRIEND at the time of 6 years left and we were barely close anymore, it was just a lack of trust. It was like I didn't know how to move on at all. I remember poignantly crying really hard at GRACE because I didn't want to come back to school ever, come back to this place where my bubble of kindness would be burst. It didn't last long though, thankfully.

And then even after that, there were some events this year that just slammed me in my face. I thought I had been doing pretty good, pretty fine, changing, being nicer, being someone that people liked better. Every single time that I found out about people backstabbing me or just saying really bad things about me I wondered if it was worth it at all. A lot of people tell me I'm a lot different than middle school, sure I still look fairly the same (with the exception of makeup use/ circle lenses) and the awkward stages when I had short hair... And the fact that apparently my face became skinnier...? (It doesn't make any sense, I became fatter guys. FATTER. SIGNIFICANTLY.) But every single time that would happen it was just... ugh. There's so many things that people said this year that have stayed in my mind for one reason or another and I'd do anything not to have that said about me again.

Some of the worst were things like... telling me to disappear, wishing I didn't exist, thinking that I'm delusional... it was just things like that, I don't know what gave these people the right to judge me at all. It's not like I responded very well, it was more like a turtle reflex where I kinda sunk into myself in the sense that I didn't try to fight back, say I wasn't like that. Because after all I AM who people perceive me as. I don't end up being who I think I am because I think I'm like that. I am whoever others think I am, it's something I have no control over.

It's really frustrating, when you think you're doing well. When you think your friends are being genuine towards you, when you stop pretending for a while and actually think that people like you for being who you are. When you stop feeling the need to be courteous and pretend to like everything that everyone else likes, being interested in everything everyone else is interested in. Being nice to everyone even when you just want to bitch them out and throw them in Saw II styled pit of needles... well the last thing I'm still doing that now. But it was like that for a while when I thought I really didn't need to pretend, but that just kinda went up in flames due to circumstances that happened to occur... Frustrating.

In the end, things happened. Shit happens. And again, I guess it's not terrible, it really isn't. But I wish I could get rid of all of this self-consciousness, fakeness and lack of trust that developed in me throughout this year. It's unfair for the people that didn't have anything to do with it. It's even unfair for the people who had something to do with it, cause it's just something I need to get over and I can't. It's really not anyone's fault no matter how much I blame it on one particular thing or person... Yup. It's all my fault.

As this year progresses into summer though, it's been pretty anti-climatic. The angry me is starting to wear off. Although I can go on one thing and be angry for the longest time, but it's difficult to be mad when everyone is so nice to you. So maybe I can go back to being my old self, relatively drama-free, not doing so much in the worrying about drama/boys/relationships department and putting more of that effort either into my friends, academics or something productive. Yups. As all the excitement for bashing each other and trolling each other is dying down, it's starting to become relatively normal. It's like my heart has been beating extra fast for the past few weeks but it's slowly beating its regular beat again. I'm excited for a relatively calm, clean and fun summer.

麗 ☆

Bulls

2011-05-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

I'M SO HAPPY. YOU GUYS MAKE ME HAPPY IN THE PANTS. AND YOU MADE MY DAY. MMPH. SO SEXY. >:D. MAKETHEFINALSGUYSMAKETHEFINALS. WIN THE FUCKING SERIESSS.

麗 ☆

2011-05-14T23:27:00.000-05:00

I'm a sentimental chump. I want to cry. Maybe I'm a tad too easily moved. ): This is why I can't deal with sweets.

麗 ☆

Make me believe.

2011-05-13T23:17:00.002-05:00

This isn't the first time I've bawled my eyes out over this. But it should definitely be the last. This is really really really done. You don't realize it but all the little things you do or say just might have a big impact on someone who's actually paying attention. Like telling me that you'd rather not let me have my birthday party even though I happily invited you to it... No. Just no. Well. I guess I end up listening to you anyway, cause now I'm not having one anymore even though I fought my mother for it. And guess what? It's all because of you.

Just stop. Just stop doing things. Just stop making me feel one way or another about you I'd rather be neutral towards you than like you or hate you. I just want you to not be anything. Not a friend, not not a friend, not anything. STOPSTOPSTOP.

麗 ★

refreshed*

2011-05-11T20:19:00.000-05:00

Hurros erryone!

And turn your attention towards this waaaaay! I haven't blogged in a while, but I've made a co-authored blog with JZ! (It's more like me keeping him accountable with blogging? Haha. IDK. I KNOW NOT.) But yeah. o: Hopefully it'll be fun and as boss as Crystalline Stars. Hahaha... Alright. Blehh. Time to go back to my pig lab practical

Click HERE for some Rei && JZ styled love :) YEAAHHH. Get refreshed*. LoL :)

麗 ☆

Sweet.

2011-05-05T23:27:00.000-05:00

I have so many guy friends that are good sweet talkers. I enjoy words of affirmation, thus why I get taken in by things like this. Haha. What sweeties. I love you all :)

麗 ☆

Oh the 300th marker! HONESTY BOX: Day One -> Now

2011-05-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

Yayyy! Celebratory dance for my 300th! So the topic of choice this time was “how things have changed since my first blogpost” and the “goods and bads since when I first started blogging”. Thanks to my lovely Vicki and Nicole for both of those ideas. Which I’m meshing into one idea I guess.

In preparation/research for this post (yes… I do complicated things like research when writing my special blogposts), I read through my old trade journal with Yifu (which started in early 8th grade). I also read through some of my old chats to remember what I used to care/talk about. And the people I used to associate myself with. So I’ll not only be pulling stuff from this blog from way back when but also be pulling stuff from all those other sources.

Well. Since my first blog post which was my intro, which was happy, peppy and full of life and enjoyment at my new blog which was written a little over 2 years ago… Well now? I’m still just as happy and peppy and full of life when I feel like it. LOL. However some big changes that have taken place just looking at that post?
For one, I’ve completely given up on what I wanted most when I first made this blog. And also my dream from when I was little. I’ve never wanted to be anything except a vocalist, there has never been a time in my life when I thought that there was something else for me besides singing and singing… Yeah. I’ve given up on all of that. So I guess there’s no more of that “you’re retarded and shut off from reality”, oh yeah that’s another thing. I’ve become more in tune with so many haters.

Another thing that has completely and utterly changed would be my friends. Originally this blog was made during a time when I had one really, really, really close friend that I told everything to. And we were in our own little world where other people felt as through they were outsiders. I had that sort of relationship with people once, I guess that was lost pretty hard wasn’t it. One of the biggest regrets of my life.

But it’s been good lately. New group of friends. New experiences, new freedoms with my mom. It’s been quite odd. But yeah, it’s not so lonesome anymore. I fill up empty silence with skype now. And fill up empty weekends with plans to hang out. It’s pretty nice I must say.

The goods and the bads about beginning blogging? Well. The goods. It let out a lot of my stress, and it kept me in practice of writing things. I don’t do any writing except for blogging and retarded school stuff anymore. I actually used to enjoy writing ( I kinda still do) and it’s just something that I use to do for fun. The bads? Definitely a bunch of people OVERREACTING or misinterpreting things that I blog about. Half the time I’m talking about people they don’t even know. Half the time I’m talking about events and not people. Most of the time I try not to hate people, but only disapprove of what they do.

I’ve stayed the same in terms of my insecurities. I still think I don’t fit in, except now there’s that whole factor of relationships. Ughh. As much as I say it’s stupid to date in high school (which I still think it is…), and as much as I dislike guys (still.), I’m a girl and I crave attention sometimes. I’ll admit to that much, it’s stupid to be hypocritical here and be all high and mighty saying that you haven’t. (There’s so many high and mighty people nowadays and I realize I really do not like them.) Basically. I still haven’t had someone like me. Which always makes me think there’s something wrong with me. So there that insecurity all the time. Ughh. I don’t even care anymore…

I still think I’m annoying. And just things like that. A lot of things people have said since I started this blog till now has changed me. Especially since I blog about things that affect me the most and I remember them because I have a written document about it. So things like “I wish she’d disappear”, “When she sings she sounds like a dying cow”, “Out of all my friend I really actually don’t like her…”, “She’s stuck in a false reality and she just needs to stop dreaming and open her eyes”. Yeah. All of those? They stayed with me.
Also, I’ve developed more trust issues. I don’t want to admit it, but the things that have happened recently don’t only affect whether I trust one person or not, I feel like it’s changed my relationship with so many people all at once. I can’t bring myself to trust them, because I was so believing of these people… and then it’s like… betrayal. So I don’t know. I’m even less trusting than before.

My life philosophies have also changed greatly. And my attitude at life has changed. Hopefully my mood swings aren’t as erratic anymore. I don’t think they are anyway. They still kinda are. I guess. But it’s not terrible. I’m pretty much the same day in day out. Hating on school, tired, hating on some… people. Friendly, hyper, trying to fit in. All at the same time. It’s me. My priorities are the same day in and day out.

I’m also a lot less “depressed”. I think a lot of it back then was circumstances, misunderstandings and just not being able to appreciate things or take life as it came. Always thinking too much, overthinking things all the time. Now it’s like I’m taking it slow and taking it not so seriously or fervently. It’s a nice feeling really.

But how have I really changed as a person? The things on my mind are different since day one. I think a lot more in a futuristic sense or in the present. I don’t keep thinking backwards and how things could’ve been or should’ve been. WHO is on my mind is totally different too. Different friend group. Different stresses and pressures to fit in. A lot less of it too. But there’s still… SOME PEOPLE.

I’m still the same in wishing everyone would just like me as a person, but it’s ok to live without that anymore too though. Because at least I have a “love-me” group of friends. Where we’re all close. Really close. And at LEAST they appreciate me? Right?

I’d like to think I’m a lot less dramatic. And I’m trying to get rid of everything everyone hates about me. Not that I can guarantee it’ll all go away, but I’m trying, that much. I’ve been more alert to all the people who don’t like me, wish I’d disappear or just finds me annoying. So I’ll stay away from them, and I kind of wish they’d just tell me, or make it blatantly clear instead of pretending to be my friend in my face then stabbing me repeatedly in the back. It’s no fun. And that’s why I’ve developed trust issues.

In Enr. Written the other day, we came up with some life lessons. Mine was “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Life lesson indeedy. Although. One great thing did happen. I did let go of you. And that’s basically some great changes since day one. True fact.

麗 ☆

A/N: I don't know that this was much of an honesty box... Oh well! Haha. It's just general stuff. Nothing too specific. Kinda LAME. ;w; OH NOES.

白痴

2011-05-03T00:09:00.000-05:00

如果你是男生，但沒有一點白痴我還會覺得怪呢
但你實在是太白痴了吧？
什麼東西都不知道
也不能體量別人一下下嘛
煩哦
很煩哦
但我什麼都不說
因為我非常非常地Passive Aggressive
我想要你自己用一下大腦
但如果要你想的話
要你想幾百多年你都想不出來吧？
真不知道你是真白痴還是假白痴。

麗 ★

I laugh in the face of your misery.

2011-04-30T23:40:00.000-05:00

Yeah. That's right. There's no use in me being pissed and annoyed over things that don't matter. And you know what? Even if every single person in the world finds it to be dumb, and something you shouldn't be doing... Well that's just great. Whoopdeedoo. I wish you knew your priorities, but since you don't, I'll just not let it get to me. But it's fine, cause you'll never be let in. We'll continue being our special specialness. And it'll be great. Fun. Shady biz. And games!

BOOM ROASTED.

Suck on that sistah.

麗 ☆

Real.

2011-04-29T23:09:00.000-05:00

Is it really that hard to just be real, for like... 10 seconds? It's not even something that matters anymore at this point. This is just dumb. Retarded. And retarded some more. I personally find it to be extremely difficult to be fake all the time, and I slip up. Apparently you find it really difficult to be real so it's the opposite way around, you can't be real, but you slip up once in a while and you're actually real.

麗 ★